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That title, coming from someone who teaches cultural studies and post modern theory for a living, may appear at first glance, a tad contradictory. Though when it comes to issues of ethics, fairness, and treating another with respect and consideration, the title above is descriptively accurate. Recognizing, then respecting anothers humanity, is really never that complicated, despite our many attempts to do just the opposite.

The catalyst for this piece? Took shape in the form of a lively and heated discussion some friends and I were having at our local Starbucks, home to the weekly Saturday morning hangout.

The confounding question? Can a blow job ever be, just a blow job? I find the obvious generality behind the question slightly amusing, since where the question falls apart is when definitions and expectations come into play.

But let's first take it at face value. To me, what the question is really asking, is if something as seemingly "minor" as oral sex, should cause issues in a relationship where the parties are at odds regarding cheating.

I'm going to suggest that with any luck, that is a question that will have been asked and agreed upon before the event occurs, as I am guessing the answer would be substantially different if the topic had never been discussed. For me, it is completely dependent on an equal level of awareness and the mutual expectations of both parties.

Open or closed relationship aside, let's cut to the chase. The relevant point here is about deception and lack of regard for the other parties feelings, not the sex or the activity. If the other party had not agreed to outside encounters, or if the topic had never been discussed and there was an implied expectation of fidelity, then the action is clearly deceptive, as one person was not expecting it, and the offending party, by not discussing it, is either hoping his partner will not find out, or worse, taking active steps to ensure that doesn't occur.

Whatever justified, or based on a perceived entitlement, or however the fuck the cheating party attempts to leap frog around the issue, the facts are the same. They are intentionally engaging a lie they are well aware would cause anger and pain to the person they claim to love.

From my own experience in an open relationship, and by virtue of what it suggests, there needs to be a higher degree of honesty and transparency around issues that are mutually arrived at. If you have agreed to outside activity, but then willingly break the pre established boundaries, I view that as more damaging than cheating in a closed relationship, as the issues of trust and expectation would have, by mandate, already been addressed and agreed upon.

So blow job or hand job, two year affair or one night stand, it's never really about the sex. It's about what you are attempting to hide; it's about deception. In my weird way of viewing a relationship with a person one claims to love, deception is never that complicated, but it is always wrong.

The recent experience of my friend Rod, fresh from a relationship that was, amongst other negative dynamics, steeped in dishonesty and misrepresentation, had me considering a few of my own somewhat similar past experiences.

Though comparatively small in number, I learned much about the two things known as honesty and intention. While honesty is vital in a relationship, in the grand scheme, intention, isn't worth a hell of a lot. For all of us who know why, this is for us, especially for my friend Rod. Simply, you are worth it, he's not.

Honesty

A couple things about honesty. It is open, it is transparent and it is contextual.

Bottom line, people with nothing to hide, hide nothing. People who chronically deceive, their life tends to be a level five maze. They hide everything and only share what benefits them. The following are some common experiences and circumstance that define dishonest patterns.

• deflection of responsibility,
• framing blame onto the accuser,
• consistent "co incidences" are no longer co incidences when they become the dominant experience.
• accusations of "you don't trust me",
• accountability avoidance,
• argument set up,
• lack of apologies,
• denial or avoidance of others feelings
• a rapid and expertly honed ability to manipulate truth for gain,
• and the worst of all, irrevocably damaged relationships with people who care about them

INTENTION:

Despite the popular belief to the contrary, intention, in the end, means jack shit. That is because our actions produce outcome, not our intentions. And outcome, when we discuss events or situations that are harmful, is the important point.

Where intention can be relevant, is in the ability it has to transparently showcase motivation. Doing something and having no intent to hurt, speaks to a motivation pure of ill will. But that's it. Since even with a completely pure motivation, the kid you just hit and launched thirty feet down the road, is still dead. Wish as you might, your lack of intent to harm won't change the outcome.

An example familiar to many....

"You says it hurts you when after we fight, my default behavior is to bury my head in the sand and sleep with the entire core of the North American gay ghetto. But I don't INTEND to hurt you, therefore if you hurt, you are making yourself feel that way. We create our own reality".

Isn't that tidy?

But really, all that these cute, little, tidy packages of repellent avoidance do, is completely negate the concept of knowledge attainment. Important, because from that knowledge comes the experience of being newly accountable.

What is missing is simple, but unfortunately it is a life law that applies in everything, all the time. As adults who exist in a world with more than ourselves, we gain knowledge, and as such, we are placed in a position of being newly accountable to where that knowledge applies. By mandate, newly accountable means one has an obligation to act. People generally act in two specific ways with thousands of variations.

One of those ways would be the following.

Being both self and other centered, acting in ways that recognize feelings, emotions and contextual circumstance of those in their life. Actions made with a positive intent generally build up, strengthen, respect, operate from a base of reciprocity, and are sustainable.

Another, would go something like this.

Acting in a self centered way, denying feelings, emotions and contextual circumstances of those in ones life. "I did not intend to hurt you, so if you hurt, it's your problem not mine".

Actions are made with positive or negative intent based on the self referenced gain the action produces. In other words, actions may appear generous but the motive is always personal gain. Most actions, though, will generally derail, disrespect, manipulate, be semantically truthful though dishonest, and operate parasitically, taking; never returning, and relationships with individuals are usually not sustainable. Not even with a fucking chia pet!

A hint. If you are having trouble deciding which is the good example, there's your answer Skippy.