Posted on 
May 10, 2008 | by alto
May 10, 2008 | by alto 05.10.2008
5:23PM
A Week From Today
It would be extremely disingenuous if I was to discuss the issue of crystal meth use and abuse, in the interest of education and prevention, end of story.
Because I think we all realize that crystal meth abuse in the gay community is at crisis level, with many lives, careers, and friendships having been destroyed.
The issue is one I know well, having had two friends go through rehab, one friend in rehab, and one friend having a problem that may, and probably will, eventually require rehab.
If I am to demonstrate an authentic intent when talking about this issue, then I need to acknowledge my own experience with meth. While my experience is not wide, having consisted of several incidents over the span of one weekend, almost ten years ago, the events and realizations were profound. And very, very sobering.
Several months ago I wrote a three part article for the private site on blueAlto outlining my experiences with the weekend in question. I talked about the realizations that occurred after experimenting with the drug, and the subsequent experiences and realizations that were central to me never trying it again. It is not a particularly stellar moment in my personal history, and it was extremely awkward to write and to post, even for a private site with an audience of close friends.
I have decided to republish the series on the main blog. I will say at the outset, it may not be an easy read. Some may think less of me, some may find it off putting, and many I think, will be surprised. Frankly, I don't really fucking care. This issue is one that is seriously harming vast numbers of people, particularly gay men, many of whom are my friends. Fuck sensitivity, this is important.
I truly believe that character, will power, and strength have a very limited, if any role, in the process of addiction and recovery. More likely, is an affinity to addictive patterns, or unique chemical reactions in the user, helping addiction take hold at accelerated rates. The bottom line is this is a very dangerous drug, and for whatever reason, I was fortunate enough to experience it without needing to return for more. In the end, the only difference between myself and anyone else who has ever tried meth, is that, for whatever reason, some get into trouble, and some don’t.
Look for part one of the series next Saturday, and for the two Saturdays that follow. As I said on the private site, if I am posting this, it means I am being intentionally open about my experience. No question is too personal or off limits, and I will answer all questions honestly.
I will say very clearly, it is my stated intention to use this series as a jumping off point for an informative, honest, and supportive discussion of this issue. Despite the occasional dipshit derailer, we have a genuine and respectful commenting community here, and there have been excellent discussions in the past. I really hope that is possible for this topic, and I will do all I can to create the environment for that to occur.
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Reader Comments (6)
"I truly believe that character, will power, and strength have a very limited, if any role, in the process of addiction and recovery"
That is so very, very true.. I think one's choice of addiction, should one go that route- is a peculiar thing on many levels. That which leaves one person addicted leaves another wondering what the big deal is all about. Why alcohol for one, cocaine for another, meth, heroin, religion- whatever the case may, be for someone else? I have often wondered if the human brain wasn't simply hard wired on an individual level for the capacity to respond to a particular "drug of choice" as it were. In my crazy days I never got into anything hallucinogenic- I hated my one experience, the lack of control I think. Downers- hated them too. Uppers of any sort, ah well there we found it kids.. Hard wired to be wired I guess. I'm thankful I backed away in the nick of time. Oh the seventies, such an interesting era to come of age in. I often thank the fates in a genuine and truly sincere way that I got out of that decade intact, because I know full well it could have turned really and truly ugly, and I am so very thankful it didn't. Because that train was heading straight down the track and there was no derail in sight. Good friends are a blessing beyond measure, and in truth rarely does a day go by that I am not thankful there was someone there to smack the shit out of me and bring me back to reality.
Your strength in doing things like this (posting potentially embarrassing things) continues to amaze and impress me, because you know what, so many people say they don't care what people think, but a lot of times that is just posturing BS. I admire the fact that for you it is really all about taking the good with the bad, and not really caring about those who can't. That is a confidence I hope to eventually get to, though yeah, I'm getting there.
I am glad you are posting it. It's brilliant writing for one, but it's also honest. I can say that as a former meth addict. You went to the scary places in the experience, and you didn't paint yourself to be above those. That is powerful and hopefully something people see. I'm proud of you for doing this buddy. Thanks.
I applaud your decision to post this on the public site, for the purpose of education and beneficial conversation. Addiction is a bitch, and one best fought with fellow travelors who have made it across that dangerous river. I am glad your readers will be able to weigh in, ask questions, and perhaps some might even decide to seek help, when reflecting on their own behavior. In any case, I will enjoy reading this again.
I too, look forward to reading this series again, Al. Addiction, or the possibilty of becoming addicted to, ( fill in the space) is a topic that doesn't hurt to revisit. Often. Either for those flirting with the idea of drug use; or for those of us who went there and managed to get out. A reminder of the hell that could have been.
Not to play kiss-ass, but your site is a valuable resource in about 25 different ways. This topic is one of them. And all are written with your talented style of writing. (Could I get anymore kiss-assy?) ;-) Regardless, it is how I feel and perceive this site. So kiss ass or not, its said with all sincerity. I look forward to revisiting this series.
3T
I'm looking forward to reading this one.
I just found this blog recently and I like what I've seen. I appreciate your honesty and your willingness to address the difficult topics. Truth hurts, sometimes, but it has to in order to be helpful. IMHO.
meth was my drug of choice from 1972-75. that seems like ancient history and it is. but the thing about it is that i can still remember that rush, that incredible euphoria, the feeling of invincibility.
crazy, yes? i've been sober since '82 and when i think of altering my consciousness, it's always meth that i think of.
the power of that drug is stunning and terrible. there were people who "dabbled" in it at the same time i was becoming a regular user. there were also those who were hard core addicts, people whose daily lives were devoted solely to getting the drug and getting high.
i escaped that town right after high school and the impetus for that escape was my ever increasing drug use. when i returned five years later, i was stunned to find out that those casual users with whom i was familiar, the ones i passed on the way out the door of the party house with my crew of hard core junkies, well, they'd gone on to have regular lives.
so what's the difference? what makes one an addict and the other a user, maybe even a problem user, but one able to simple let go when the time comes? part of the hook for me was the lifestyle. i relished sleazing around on the wild side, taking crazy chances, risking my life, engaging in criminal behavior. i did. that doesn't make me proud, but it was part and parcel of my attraction to that drug.
when i hear gay men talk about the effect of meth on the gay community, i can only empathize. it is deadly. so addictive. so seductive. so sexual. those hard core junkies i ran with? all but two are dead.
i don't know what the answer is. i don't know that an addict ever hears "watch out" and heeds that. but i think you're right in broaching the subject. to talk about it is to take it out of the shadows and to really look at it for what it is: just a fucking drug, a life stealer, a time waster, deadly and seductive, but such a waste.