Posted on 
Jun 9, 2008 | by alto
Jun 9, 2008 | by alto Entries in Drugs Use & Abuse (7)
06.9.2008
06.3.2008
1:46AM
A Clarity Filled Weekend ~ II
Part I of this series is recommended reading for anyone interested in the topic. So is this entry, which provides some important and needed context regarding personal sexual risk assessment.
A Caution:
I'm not usually a fan of cautions or trigger warnings, however this essay contains frank, descriptive examples of drug use, sexual situations, and the dynamics around both. For some people who deal with issues of addiction, descriptions such as these may be triggers that increase the desire to use. I offer this caution for individuals to use as they deem appropriate.
Some Current Thoughts:
Being truthful in a public recounting of experiences I'm not exactly proud of, has been more difficult than I anticipated. Putting very personal, very private, and very out of character behavior across a web page for all to view and harshly critique is a scary thing to do. Though as I've stated, a truthful inventory of my own experience with what people I know struggle with daily, is in my view, the most authentic gesture I can offer.
Something many of us, including myself, have been guilty of, is navigating relationships through a very easy dynamic of "helper" and "he who must be helped". For those of us who have never experienced true addiction, the rigid, constructed roles of addict and savior, conveniently avoid challenging what has been our own experience. Therefore, never confronting the truth that tells us addiction has very little to do with character, will power, "good" or "bad" people, weakness or strength.
Much more likely, addiction is a result of complicated patterns of genetics, biology, and physiologic affinity. That can be a very uncomfortable truth, as there is no escaping the reality that says, there but for grace go I. For me, the purpose of this essay is to get a little closer to that truth.
Tonight I pick up where I left off in part I. That of it being July 1997, and I am in Los Angeles with my friend D, both of us for the purpose of instructing, and potentially receiving UCLA academic appointments. Soon after arrival, for reasons I detail in the first installment, D and I are at a friends home when we snort our first ever hit of crystal meth. Ten years later, it is still a weekend blur of drug induced and sexually charged July days. Next Monday, I will publish part III, followed by a follow up piece a week later.
Los Angeles CA: A Monday in July 1997, 6:55 am
Getting up from the couch where I must have just recently drifted off, I survey the room. My friend D, head at the opposite end of the couch, is fast asleep, a neatly collected pool of drool on the pillow beneath his head.
"Get up sunshine", I slap D's ass hard enough to elicit a brief head rise from the pillow.
To my right, through an open door to what I assume is a bedroom, I notice three naked bearish guys, one heavily tattooed, one tightly muscled and the third rather fat. They are in what seems to be the climactic moments of a rather verbal threesome.
Making my way to the bathroom, I wipe the sleep from my eyes as I realize the tightly muscled guy is Paul, the friend we have been staying with since arriving in LA on Friday. Though I have no clue who the other two are. Nor do I have any clue who's apartment we are in.
"Fuck"! I mutter under my breath to no one in particular, as I glance at my watch.
It's Monday morning, and D and I have exactly one hour and five minutes to get our combined asses behind a podium at UCLA. A task not especially daunting, however given our experience of the past two and a half days, it would appear to be a task of monumental proportion. And we are, I'm realizing, in Silverlake; the farthest east one can get on Santa Monica Blvd. before it ends.
Standing naked in an unfamiliar bathroom, splashing cold tap water on my face, I get a whiff of what I assume to be my scent. One which tells me my lateness reclassifies as a secondary priority, given the unpleasant odor of beer, sweat, sex, and what seems to be ammonia emanating from my pores. Yet another of the pesky side effects wrought from our spontaneous weekend indulgences. Side effects that, over the next several hours, I will become intimately familiar with.
Realizing I need to get it the fuck together fast, I adjust the tap handle to a slightly less than freezing temperature. Standing under the cold stream, it all seems to hit me at once. The all over muscle soreness, the very present aching teeth, a result of forty eight hours of unaware grinding, and what I'm noticing to be a very red, chafed, and extremely tender cock. One that is oddly semi stiff, given the "shower as Arctic" water temperature. That's not surprising I think, remembering the Viagra I popped last evening to combat yet another of the ever present side effects our new friend Tina has offered. I successfully resist the desire to stroke off yet another load.
Hoping out of the cold shower, I quickly dry, making a conscious attempt to not dwell on my other slightly painful sensation. The one which results from my asshole playing host to more cocks in one weekend than it had in the previous year. Not exactly a large number, given the days in a year. Though I remind myself we are talking days, not years. The pitt in the stomach grows with that realization.
For the first time in the past forty eight hours, I take a critical inventory of my face in the bathroom mirror. And honestly, given the events, it's actually not as bad as I am expecting. Though the eyes are what concern me. Beyond feeling like I have embedded several small bits of sand under the lids, I am troubled by the rather intense, unblinking presentation the mirror reflects back. It's a reflection with a distinct vibe of "wound too tight".
Fuck it. I need to get my ass in the car, do some serious speeding (no pun intended) and with any luck, come up with some semblance of an excuse as to why we are late to present a two hour lecture for fourth year paramedic students. An evaluated lecture, one with the potential of being awarded visiting alumni faculty status. Thinking of the topic D and I chose for our presentation, "Therapeutic Approaches To Behavior In Crisis". I can't help letting out an ironic little giggle.
Literally kicking D's ass into and out of the shower in record time, I then get dressed in what I am realizing are my none too fresh smelling clothes from yesterday. Awkwardly, I interrupt the grunting, sweaty, and as of yet, uncompleted and unclimaxed three way fuck fest. I need to ask Paul where he'll be hiding the key for us when we return.
Attempting to momentarily take his focus off the fat but very woofy bear aggressively plowing his ass, I manage to get Paul, who's ankles amusingly appear to be glued to the wall behind his head, to let us know the key will be under the dog house in the backyard. Thanking Paul, I offer a hasty goodbye to the three carnally focused bears. I'm still at a loss as to who the hell the other two are. Though a passing thought which tells me that may not be all I'm drawing a blank on, is, at this early hour, more than slightly revolting.
Five minutes later, unsuccessful at our attempt to break the sound barrier with a rented Chevrolet Malibu, we are both sweaty and sketchy, still slightly spun from our last bump. D and I begin referencing events of the past two days, deciding that since Friday night, it has been a sometimes weird, sometimes wonderful, but always slightly twisted downward trajectory of strange repetitions; snort meth, have sex, obsess on a task, accomplish absolutely nothing, snort meth, obsessively pontificate on literally everything, not eat, snort meth, have more sex with more people....Repeat....Multiple times.
With a sarcastic chuckle, D asks, "What the fuck are we doing bud"?
As always, I don't miss the just under the surface vibe in his statement. A vibe of more serious weight than was his intention.
Groaning, I offer, "The fuck if I know".
And as D knows me just as well as I know him, he is aware of what only a few other human beings would have been able to recognize in my response. That beneath the attempted tone of bored indifference, there exists a completely sincere statement and question.
We drive in silence, both realizing the need for discussion, but realizing now is not the time. Since at eighteen minutes after eight, we are in Westwood, pulling into the visitor parking at UCLA Medical Center. Ahead of us, two hours of intensely evaluated teaching. As if to signal the direction our luck is about to take, just before turning the hall to where the lecture theater is located, D suggests I roll the sleeves up on my button down. To hide the rather large and obvious cum stain on the right cuff.
Where normally such a suggestion would be offered and met with a smirk and a good measure of unrestrained laughter, a terse "Shit!" is my only response, as I hastily roll up my sleeves....
Posted on Jun 3, 2008 | by alto
Jun 3, 2008 | by alto 06.1.2008
12:17PM
A Rather Lengthy Preface
In A Clarity Filled Weekend ~ Part 1, I outlined a bit about my first experience with crystal meth. Before moving on to A Clarity Filled Weekend ~ Part 2, there exists a requirement for a bit of a preface. No, not in an attempt to justify behavior that has sometimes been difficult to document, and no, not with the intent to endlessly frame context for decisions made during that weekend.
The reason that I feel that an introductory post is necessary, is because of some very large deviations in my experience with crystal meth, vs. what is considered the normative and majority experience. In other words, to portray my reality of that weekend with full honesty and responsibility, a discussion of the significant differences in experience, and some of the reasons for those differences, was a topic I felt necessary.
Why? Well, let's consider the common discourse around crystal meth use, and one of the most compelling reasons many advocate against it. One of the most obvious concerns would be the greatly increased risk of contracting HIV, currently estimated five times greater than a non users risk. The reasons are many, as well as complex. The most predominant factors being the increased sexual desire, an almost voracious horniness, that very quickly becomes the major focus of users. As well, the increased feelings of invincibility that the drug imparts, combined with the traits of a very concentrated singular focus, (getting laid) are thought to be the chief reasons safer sex practices are virtually nonexistent in the gay male crystal user.
That would be an experience that both D and I can definitely relate to, as during that weekend, safer sex theory and practice were the farthest things from our minds. And they were most certainly absent from our sexual behavior. A significant point, given that our sexual experiences previous to that weekend had overwhelmingly been of the safer variety. The very important difference in experience however, would be the risk factor. For myself, an HIV negative individual, my risk of contracting that specific virus was non existent.
Stay with me. It will make sense. After surfing through the archives of this blog, I realized this is a topic I have discussed at length on the private site, but have yet to reference on these pages beyond a passing acknowledgment in a very early post and my 100 things posting. For those of you who followed my writings or are members of the private site, you know where I'm going with this.
I say that I have a zero risk of HIV infection, as I possess a trait known as a thirty two panel deletion of the genetic receptor CCR5. It is a genetic mutation shared by approximately 1% of North Americans from a Northern European descent, and 10% of Northern Europeans, rendering an individual completely impervious to HIV-1 infection.
I had been aware of my immunity since 1996, when I had an opportunity to be tested for this specific genetic trait. For those who have never heard of this, or think I have profoundly lost my mind, I have authored the following bullet point reference entitled Some Relevant Facts About HIV Immunity, a synopsis of several well established scientific facts regarding CCR5 D-32 HIV immunity. Included at the end of the points are links to the current leading sites dealing with CCR5 mutations.
Some Relevant Facts About HIV immunity:
- In the absence of HIV immunity or protection, CCR5 mutation is a benign occurrence. Had it not been for the prevalence of immune mediated therapy spurred on by the increase in HIV disease, we would be unaware of such a mutation.
- In the absence of CCR5's immunity granting abilities, the mutation is one of inconsequential positive or negative attribute in other sexual, lifestyle, or health pattern realities. UPDATE: In late 2006, it was discovered that those with a CCR5 D-32 panel deletion possessed a slightly increased risk of West Nile virus. To date (Nov. 2007), this is still theoretical.
- To demonstrate the certainty with which medical science now views the mutation in the homozygous form, consider the following. A 32 panel deletion of CCR5 is thought to be superior to any vaccine currently or predicted to be on the market in the prevention of HIV. This is because of the reality which mandates natural immunity be seen as the the gold standard in disease prevention. Either through a genetic, or medically mediated protection.
- The absolutes in which we view DNA science make the mutation of CCR5 particularly appealing when viewed through a role specific to viral immunity. That is, one needs to consider the reality that HIV disease mutations and new strains are not at all relevant to the CCR5 theory of protection. Immunity is present, since a critical deficit exists on the cell receptor site. Anatomically and functionally, it does not allow the actions required to facilitate cell entry. It is not a "fight or flight" response against a virus. It is a lack of affinity to the virus. A complete non reaction. Where CCR5 does not offer any protection is in regard to HIV type 2. With regard to type, there is only HIV - 1 and HIV - 2. HIV - 1, being the "westernized" virus, and 2 being the African virus. While both types exist in Africa, the North American reality is still HIV sub tropic - 1.
- When one is immune to HIV by way of CCR5 homozygous mutation, they are not infected with a silent or inactive form of HIV. They may have been exposed to HIV at some point, like many others, but they cannot seroconvert to positive. In short, they will never possess the virus or be able to pass it on. It simply cannot enter their cellular structure, thereby making seroconversion an impossibility.
- Interestingly, a trait common to the majority of individuals of both heterozygous and homozygous CCR5 mutation, is an atypical under reaction to, or complete retrograde effect from common prescriptive medications. Personally, it is well documented that in antibiotic dosing and narcotic pain control, I require almost double the recommenced dosing to garner the same net effect provided to an individual on half that dose.
For more information, consult the following resources:
- A History Of CCR5 D32 homozygous immunity to HIV
- The link between CCR5 D32, bubonic plague immunity and HIV immunity
So what does this have to do with my experience of crystal meth, and behavior while under it's influence? Well, we are all aware this is a dangerous drug, and it has certainly caused significant damage within the gay male community, as well as countless other demographics. To discuss experience, but leave out a very significant variable, (in my case the absence of risk) would be, in my mind, irresponsible to the discussion.
Very simply, I can not be sure my willingness to engage in unprotected sex, was due to the effects of crystal, or due to my knowledge of being completely absent of risk for HIV infection. Or perhaps a combination of both. It is an important factor that deserves full disclosure and discussion when the possibility exists to place a cause for behavior on a substance that, in my case, may be a completely inaccurate placing of that cause and effect.
This is examined in greater depth in the body of part II of the article, however I felt an initial explanation, removed from the narrative, was not only justified, but my only ethical response in the context of this discussion.
I'm hoping this article makes at least some semblance of sense, and that my intention regarding this initial disclosure is one that people can understand, or at least relate to what I have expressed as my motivation. I realize this is a complex topic, which potentially leaves itself open to many awkward, open ended questions. If anyone has any specific questions, no matter the type or content, and no matter how personal, I are more than prepared to entertain them.
As well, feedback on this entry would be especially appreciated. Hint: Please leave a comment if you are so inclined.
Update on Jun 1, 2008 by
alto
alto
Part 2 of A Clarity Filled Weekend will be posted sometime tomorrow.
05.25.2008
1:55PM
Clarity Filled Weekend ~ Part I
As I indicated in A Week From Today, this is the first of a three part series detailing my personal experience with the drug crystal methamphetamine. It was my first, and my last experience with crystal meth. I've tried to be honest in regard to both the negative consequences, as well as the very appealing aspects of this drug. And let's face it, for this to be the problem it has currently become in our culture, there must be appealing aspects for people to return to use.
Originally published on the private site of blueAlto, I have decided to bite put my money where my mouth is and post it on the front page. Why? Because this is an issue that has for a long time needed more aggressive and consistent attention than it is currently being given. Similar to HIV, no one wants to be the one to bring this issue up, or even enter into a real discussion about it. For the sake of the community and those in it (and that would be us if you haven't guessed), we need to start.
I'll post part two next Sunday, where I'll attempt to show exactly how powerful this chemical is, in it's ability to alter perception, as well as behavior. Alterations that both surprised and scared me, ultimately forcing me take inventory of exactly what was, and what wasn't of worth in my life.
***
July, 1997
Entering the sunshine from the arrivals terminal at LAX, D and I were relieved to finally be there. A three hour wait on the tarmac in Toronto threatened to stall our plans, since we had a connection in Chicago. Lucky for us, the UA desk agent was more than helpful, getting us on the next LA bound flight, baggage surprisingly intact.
We were in Los Angeles for the National Paramedic Certification exams, held annually at UCLA for students in the final year of their BS or MS paramedical programs. As alumni of the MS program with excellent standing, D and I had been asked to instruct a two day prep session for the students taking the exams. This would mark the beginning of part time UCLA instructor status for both of us, positions which continue to this day. At the time, neither D or I realized how dangerously close we came to ensuring that those positions would never be offered.
In a way it was inevitable. Two gay men in their mid to late twenties, considered attractive by many, sexually active, with a full weekend to enjoy before a week of teaching. Not that the experience was new to us; we had lived in LA for three years during grad school in the mid nineties. What was different, was that our host for the weekend, Paul, had planned the events.
This is the part both D and I have discussed many times. We were two men with, for lack of a better term, their shit firmly together. Gainfully employed, highly educated, socially aware, active and extroverted, all peppered with a healthy dose of confidence. And with no recent, or previous history of drug use. Ever. D thinks it was curiosity. I tend to think curiosity as well, though for me it's more. Ironically, a healthy dose of skepticism. The heavily touted, "you'll have the best mind blowing sex you've ever had", was such a common line, it was fast becoming a mantra, referencing the enhancement to virility that meth was said to offer its users. I had never really believed it, instead thinking it was just another rationalization users would offer to justify their drug habit.
For whatever reason, curiosity or otherwise, it was just after seven pm when Paul, D, and myself sat down in Paul's Silverlake living room, and did several lines of meth. D and Paul went first. Having been an occasional user for some time, Paul seemed to perform this expertly. With no cough or grimace, he made it seem as if he had just pounded back a shot of tequila. D on the other hand, let out a yelp, left eye tearing up, as he repeatedly cried, "Fuck, holy FUCK"!
I waited a few moments to make sure D didn't reenact Uma Thurman's famous heroin up the nose overdose scene from Pulp Fiction, then went ahead and snorted a generous line from the table. What I recall to this day, was the white hot pain in my nostrils and behind my right eye. The same eye that moments later teared up. Then, as the pain decreased, a warm rush seemed to flow slowly from head to toe. One that felt really, really fucking good.
The only way I can describe the initial sensation, is an analogy with Christmas morning. Do you remember being nine or ten, it's six or seven on Christmas morning, and you've been awake for hours? Your parents enter the room and tell you that "it's time". That complete rush of happiness, so large you don't know whether to run, jump or scream? That was my first experience of meth. One that would be repeated many, many times that weekend.
Update on Jun 2, 2008 by
alto
alto
As my friend that I reference in this piece is currently unable to respond to comments on this entry, I have changed his name to simply "D" in this and any subsequent articles. Part ~ II is now posted.
01.22.2008
3:59AM
A Path Back
As I have written about in More Than This, my friend Rod has had a hell of a year, given the very difficult time he has experienced with an addiction to crystal meth. In the road to recovery, he suffered both the betrayal of friends, and the loss of a personal comfort zone that an intervention mandates. He then endured three months of difficult rehab, experienced a few relapses, and today he is thankfully over six months clean and sober. In my last entry about this issue I indicated I would write a bit about my process in learning how to be a supportive ally to Rod in his struggle to stay clean.
One thing I did learn above anything else, is that as good as our intentions often are, they are frequently the type of misguided support that will, in part, help send an addict back into addictive patterns. Learning how not to do that is key. I learned that it is never an easy fit, as it is often a very new approach for those of us with no experience in the true nature of addiction.
When I arrived at the rehab center to escort Rod home after he had completed his treatment (a measure the facility strongly suggests for all newly clean), I spent two days in a session for family and friends of an addict. The purpose of the workshop was to make myself and the other participants realize, we would be embarking on a journey to help our loved one maintain sobriety, by being, hopefully, a consistent, though human, personal resource for them. The point was made clear that offering assistance, through not enabling or attempting to counsel, but through personal support and being both a shoulder, and an ear for an individual, is the best thing one can do to encourage recovery. In other words, the armchair therapist hat stays on the shelf.
Not treating a relapse or setback as anything more than it is, instead of a mortal failing, was another key point. A relapse in the early stages of recovery is best viewed as simply a step off the path. One that needs immediate attention and correction, but it does not signify level of resolve, it does not predict future outcome, and it certainly is not insurmountable. The path to sobriety is a huge and steep learning curve. Mistakes are natural, especially given that a return to previous behavior is sometimes the most familiar thing in the addicts harshly reframed life. The concept of getting through today without the drink/drug is highly emphasized. Making steps manageable, not burdening someone with the weight of lifetime sobriety, when their major concern is the next hour.
Posted below, are the twelve steps CMA (Crystal Meth Anonymous) uses as a central foundation toward recovery. The steps are meant to be daily, living work, not a process to be completed and moved on from. I realize not everyone reaches recovery, or gains enlightenment from every program, but for Rod, these steps are what he feels have helped him begin the process.
A point on the God reference. Full disclosure here, I have always been uncomfortable with the idea of turning your control over to a higher power; even with the acknowledgment of a God of our own understanding. Through discussions and some very direct questioning, I realize the intent and philosophy of that principle. The idea that addiction, by definition, requires one to have already surrendered their control, therefore choice in who you relinquish control to is one of the ideas behind the principle. I was relieved to discover that "A God of our own understanding", is not referencing, directly or indirectly, organized religion. It acknowledges the universal consciousness of a group collective, one that is infinitely more powerful than simply our own resolve. The God of our own understanding, in twelve step programs, is simply that, something between you and your self defined higher power.
The Twelve Steps Of Crystal Meth Anonymous
- We admitted that we were powerless over crystal meth and our lives had become unmanageable.
- Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
- Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of a God of our understanding.
- Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
- Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
- Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
- Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.
- Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
- Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
- Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
- Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with a God of our understanding praying only for the knowledge of God's will for us, and the power to carry that out.
- Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to crystal meth addicts, and to practice these principles in all of our affairs.
If you or someone you know is having an issue with crystal meth use, or you would like more information on meth or addiction in general, the websites below may be helpful. I recommend them from both a personal and professional perspective.
Crystal Meth Anonymous
- Employing a slightly adapted model of the alcoholics anonymous and narcotics anonymous recovery programs, CMA is based on the twelve steps of recovery.
- A new on line site offering networking, support and discussion,for those concerned with any number of issues regarding crystal meth. Based in Toronto, the site is geared to gay and bisexual men who use, and have found they have a problem, suspect it could become a problem, or are concerned about a family member or friends use. Specific harm reduction principles are openly discussed and endorsed.
Canadian Center For Substance Abuse
- A non-profit organization working to minimize the harm associated with the use of alcohol, tobacco and other drugs. This site hosts the national clearing house on substance abuse and a database of researchers working in the addictions field in Canada.
Center For Addiction & Mental Health
- The Center for Addiction and Mental Health (CAMH) is a public hospital providing direct in patient and out patient care for people with mental health issues and / or addiction problems. The Centre is also a research facility, an education and training institute, and a community based organization providing health promotion and prevention services across the province of Ontario, Canada.
- A harsh, tell it like it is site, showcasing the damage meth inflicts in its users, as well as calling attention to the complacency of gay and lesbian organizations in recognizing this as a growing crisis within the community. Not for the faint of heart, this is a graphic, but mostly true portrayal of addiction.
- A recovery center specific to issues of chemical dependency in the gay and lesbian community. This program employs a non traditional approach to recovery, but has a very high success rate, both at program completion and specific followup points.
- This website, in my opinion, is one of the best on the topic of meth use and abuse in gay and bisexual men. The format includes stories, personal experience, fact pages, options for recovery, and aggressively promotes harm reduction in users that for whatever reason, are not yet ready to quit.
- A diary of recovery from crystal meth addiction. This is the website of a reader of this blog, highlighting his journey through addiction and recovery. Chris talks about his struggles with a rare honesty and grace. A worthwhile read for anyone in the midst of, or affected by addiction.
01.5.2008
12:02AM
Rent Boys, Crank & Teddy
Can you believe it is a year ago this month we were all knee deep in endless bad meth jokes about nasty right wingers who pay for ass sex? Yes, time sure can fly when you're...
Oh. Wait. I don't know about you, but I am certainly willing to bet Ted Haggard has not been "having fun" this past year. Oh what the hell, it was still fun for me the first time around. Please, enjoy the rerun; a dirty little tale from this time last year....
***
After some deep, soulful contemplation, and an intensive three weeks of reparative therapy, the Reverend Ted Haggard is, apparently, "cured" of homosexuality.
Or so says one of several therapists who oversaw three weeks of Ted's intensive counseling. Evidently, the disgraced by sex and drug scandals minister emerged from therapy convinced that he is ''completely heterosexual''.
An imperfect analogy might be similar to the following:
After several hours of drinking myself into complete oblivion, I performed a show stopping swan dive off my fourth story balcony. Because of course, I was completely convinced I could fly. While not exactly an equitable comparison, one thing can be assured; when those lies to self are engaged, catastrophic damage is sure to occur.
The history of reparative therapy is rife with many things, consistent controversy being the most prominent theme. Attempts have been made to change sexual orientation through psychotherapy, aversion therapy, nausea producing drugs, castration, injections of estrogen, LSD, hypnosis, electro convulsive therapy, brain surgery, breast amputations, as well as many more examples from this macabre list of supposed "cures" to homosexuality. The one commonality these various therapies share? They have proven to be a resounding failure. In fact a recent UCD study suggests that the actual quantitative success of this form of therapy is 0.0%.
If we look at the underpinnings of what the reparative therapy movement bases its "science" on, we need first look at what defines sexual orientation. A person's sexual orientation normally references the gender of those to whom the person is sexually attracted; in general, homosexuals are attracted only to members of the same sex; bisexuals are attracted to both men and women, though not necessarily to an equal degree. However, promoters of these therapies often define sexual orientation strictly in terms of objective sexual behavior. When in reality, sexual orientation, gender identity, and sexual behavior, while many elements may be similar, are three separate and distinct entities.
See the nice little loophole? Ted Haggard can "cure" himself and his homosexuality in three weeks, as the problem is, in the eyes of the reparative therapy crew, nothing more than a disordered behavioral issue. Questions of core orientation can easily be avoided, with the cryptic stamp of a supposed heterosexuality. Hence, the minor sexual problem of "acting out" in negative and detrimental ways, is much less complicated to assess, clinically diagnose, treat and cure.
While the entire theory base of the program is sitting on some very shaky (and shady) academic ground, the damage which results from attempting to cure gay people of their "sinful" ways is seen through a multitude of dysfunctions. Two very central, and very damaging effects of reparative therapy are:
- By mandating that behavior is the central issue to a socially constructed gay identity, the patient is then doomed to fail. In fact many of these individuals believe, "gay identity", is an oxymoron. It simply does not exist, as we are all heterosexual. Those of us who have made a choice to engage in same gender sexual behavior, are simply wrestling with a perversion of a singular heterosexual identity. Read, much easier to "treat".
- The severe emotional and psychological turmoil which results from continued desires, and in many cases, continued hidden same sex sexual engagement. Anyone can affirm a behavioural choice to do or not do a specific activity. Controlling very powerful, and very natural desires, is another point entirely. The spill over damage which results from this dynamic is untold, and has caused needless damage to those such as spouses and children.
In a rather misguided attempt to prove he made some "bad choices", but really isn't gay, Haggard explains that his sexual contact with men was limited to the former male prostitute who came forward with sexual allegations. The following, echoed once again by a member of his team of therapists, is a futile attempt to justify the behavioral only model.
''He is completely heterosexual,'' the therapist asserted. ''That is something he discovered. It was the acting - out situations where things took place. It wasn't a constant thing.''
You know, in a strange way I can't help but empathize with poor old Ted. This entire incident, in the long run, will only send him deeper into the closet, deeper into the lies which cover his true nature, and I would imagine, deeper into emotional turmoil.
The very ironic point here, is that the root causation of the closet and other nullifying effects of gay bigotry, is the identical rhetoric Mr. Haggard et al, have been hatefully spewing for decades. Life on the self loathing and dark side of the street seems to be what Ted Haggard, newly rediscovered heterosexual, is destined for.
Or, maybe not. In an almost sick twist of fate, Haggard said in an e-mail Sunday, his first communication in three months to church members, that he and his wife Gayle (collective deep breath now), plan to pursue master's degrees in psychology.
Well Ted, the program you have just completed, and as you say, has cured you, can be categorized under a specific brand of psychology. Something you will assuredly come to learn during your undergraduate years. It would be a theory known as junk science. It is nothing more than baseless, circuitous theory, having roots in a pre-determined agenda. It sounds like for you Ted, it fits like a glove.-----
11.20.2007
11:33PM
More Than This
Part 1 of a 3 Part Series
As it relates to writing, intention can often be a strong, declarative word. Meant to relay motivation, while it can be subtle, it often suggests an equally expected reaction. Given that dynamic, intention is often seen as an aggressively affirmative statement for an author to make.
I'm going to suggest that for those who view writing as more than an occasional pass time, intention is deeper, and can often be more complicated than my neat and simple description offered in the opening sentence. This entry, and this authors intention(s), are no different....
Besides this post having an acknowledgement as ithe overriding goal, I suppose if I critically examine my intention, there would be several competing ones. A chronicle, an analysis, an attempt at understanding, are ones that come immediately and easily to mind. Justifications, mitigations and atonements don't come so easily, but they are intentions none the less.
This post is about my friend Rod. Rod is not his real name. His anonymity is both a request that I will honor, as well as a hallmark of his program. Readers of my old site may be familiar with Rod, as I've discussed him many times. He has also written on the site, often in very personally revealing ways. Often in an attempt to better himself, better his circumstance, and to heal some of the damage that the past year has seen.
As I said above, my overriding intention is for this to be an acknowledgement. Though I am humble enough to be aware that it is more than just my stated intention. Today marks the six month anniversary of Rod being clean and sober, and deciding that his life, health and happiness, was more important to him than crystal meth. It hasn't always been easy, there have been a few setbacks, a few relapses, and many times there has been pain and anger. For Rod, and for others. Myself included.
Though today I can say that for the past six months, my good friend has done amazingly well under some tough circumstances, and has maintained his goal and his focus; to remain clean and sober, if only for today. Well, today, marks six months of today's. Although he will likely defer and accept my compliment modestly, and I mean no expectation when I say this, but Rod has shown himself to be one of the bravest men that I know. I am proud to call him a friend. And I am honored he still allows me to.
Though I had experience with addiction before, through friends and a few relatives, I was wholly unprepared for what an intervention involved. As were the four other friends sitting around my living room on a Saturday evening last January. I remember just before opening my door that this was going to be a "new day for Rod", that he would be thankful and grateful, relieved we came to the rescue. Needless to say, it didn't quite follow the narrative I had convinced myself it would. I was not willing to entertain the idea that my gesture of "offering clarity" could be the end of my friendship with a man that had become central to my life.
Three and a half hours later, I wasn't convinced of anything beyond the fact that I had deceived a friend, hurt him in multiple ways, and that I was the one friend he was convinced would never betray his trust. And I had done all those things. Intentions, motivations, and current benefit aside, those things were all true. Rod's last words to me that January evening were that he hoped to God he would never have to fucking see me again. My last words to him were that I hope I do see him again, but if is to be while he is high on meth, no thanks I'll pass. With that, my friend boarded a plane, drug program counsellor in tow, and began treatment, confronting demons long denied. I on the other hand, began confronting what the hell I had just done.
I imagine that after reading that paragraph, you might think this is the point where I demonstrate a clearer head, and realize that what I did, I did out of love, and though it hurt him at the time, he is better off today. And while those things are true, they are also not the entire picture. For as much as Rod had to begin again, so did I, and so did his friends. One thing that I've learned is that if we take on the role of helper, of being a friends source of support, we also take that on for ourselves. Addiction is a disease of not only the addict, but those around him. And though it is easy to place blame in that scenario, blame is often messy, and never falls neatly at one pair of feet. Recognizing our role in another's destructive process is a very shaming experience. Rebuilding a relationship that by new mandate, has to play by new rules, is daunting. And often, more self revealing than is comfortable.
This journey is nowhere near complete. Largely because my awareness of all that this experience has been, is still growing. Rod is currently in a good place, and as I've indicated, has been clean and sober for six months. He has found his personal journey to sobriety through Crystal Meth Anonymous, and he attends two meetings a week, sometimes more if he feels he needs some extra support, clarity or encouragement. He is employed, his health, though he seroconverted, is better than it had been, and his life is one that he now views with possibilities. Six months ago I would have been lying if I had said any of those were true. Clearly, Rod has come a long way. Equally, he has a long way to go. I think the difference is at least now he is able to realistically conceive that he will move toward that goal.
In closing, as I've referenced a few times here, a path out of addiction is never one taken solely by the addict. If one wishes to be a truly supportive advocate in the process, then there is much to learn. I have learned, and continue to learn in a process that is not familiar, and often times very personally challenging. Rebuilding a foundation of trust and friendship is harder than it seems, especially if its original construction was less than stellar. The next time I visit this topic I'll discuss the role of advocate in more detail. The last entry is going to be one written by Rod, and he is going to take it in whatever direction he feels best. I'm grateful that both of us have reached a place where he can do that, and I can be comfortable in supporting that decision.
Congratulations on six months Rod. I love you.
***
If you or someone you know has a problem with crystal meth, Crystal Meth Anonymous can help.
If a friend or loved one has a drug or alcohol problem and you are concerned, or they are receiving treatment and you hope to be a support to them, these organizations can help you with that. Al-Anon and Nar-Anon
Update on Nov 21, 2007 by
alto
alto
As a rule, I will only delete comments if they are threats of violence or invasions of privacy. For this entry, I will delete comments that are not supportive or respectful in tone. I ask that if you are unable to offer that type of comment, please don't offer anything at all.
Thanks.
Posted on Nov 20, 2007 | by alto
Nov 20, 2007 | by alto 
