blueAlto

So I thought since my email purge is taking what is now the better part of two days, and there is a possible end in sight, I would share some of the fun ones. I know, kind of a lame choice for someone who enjoys, or tells himself he does anyway, creating well thought out pieces of writing.

But is it a lame choice? The answer to that question, is not at all up to me. That, is what I love about writing and reading. The idea that a high brow, well informed and sophisticated deconstruction of 1930's British class structure, can, in subjective quality, be nothing more than a dirty looking piece of coal when placed beside something that has moved, changed, humbled, or otherwise altered a reader.

What I have found through that, is that even personal email takes on a completely different tone; especially when the recipient or the writer is no longer with us.

I found this email in David's files. It was from my friend and occasional co writer to the site, Karen, who had been recovering in hospital from unexpected, minor surgery. She wrote it to David this past July, only two months before he died. Even at the time, we were barely aware he was ill. With Karen's permission, I reprint it here.

****

By the way, David made the best lemon squares ever!

Wow. This one kind of took me off guard today. I don't know what it is about personal sites, but lately they have provided more than endless fodder for content. As happens every four months or so, I felt the need to get rid of the excess on my computer and therefore went on a huge delete fest of unnecessary files, emails etc.

In the email deletes I came across one from a guy who used to be my best friend. I say "used to", as even though we are still friends, for a while now he has been going through some serious issues, and neither lives close, nor do we have a lot of contact. But friends, always....

At any rate, I came across an email with the subject heading - New Profile: what do you think? - Though strangely embarrassing, I admit, we would occasionally run our profile text by each other, asking for genuine constructive critique, and of course giving brutal hatchet jobs instead. For those of you who have read me since I started this online adventure, you will immediately know this is in reference to Steve. The specific change he was making to his text was due to a rather amusing case of mistaken identity. The last paragraph should provide a bit of clarity. And yes, it is scary how much of a resemblance there actually was. Funny enough, these days I miss that. Thinking of you Steve...

Enjoy the flashback.

Pointbreak says:

"Laid back and easygoing most of the time, serious and opinionated only some of the time. After an extended break, and traveling aimlessly to "find myself" (no such luck), I'll be returning to PhD studies in the fall. So I guess this is where i talk about me. Let's see, I've been told I am / have: an LL Bean vibe, like the outdoors, big into rugby, and surfing when I can. I'm here looking for all types of guys for friendship. Love to have friends of all backgrounds, as long as honesty, confidence and a passion for something are part of your makeup. To be my friend I could care less what you look like, as long as you are ok with what you look like!

Sexually, I'm looking for guys with a non forced masculinity, (ie it is not defined by an "outfit"), someone who is at home in his own skin, and has an appreciable confidence. I'm HIV negative, your status is fine either way, as long as discussion and mutual respect are occurring.

Two things that will cause me to have no interest are people who engage racism or other bigotry in their lives, or if you don't see that a woman's right to choose is just that, and it's as important as any gay rights struggle.

By the way, to avoid any more nasty emails telling me i live in Toronto: NO! bluecubto is not my brother, or using my pictures, or me in a different add, or vice versa. That is Al, best friend from Toronto, and yes we do look somewhat alike and have many similar characteristics. Yes, including the guys we like. And yes to the next question too :)"

 A meme! Direct from my friend Allison, brilliant theater actress, and the only non blogger that knows more meme's than bloggers. Allison thought it might be a good tool to lighten up the mood a little around here. And even I would agree, except that this meme is by far the strangest and most attention deficit focused read I think I have ever seen.  Really, what is about?  You tell me.

No I am not tagging anyone with this....Well, on second thought, yeah, I think I will.  I tag Jack.  Only because he always has really cool answers to seemingly boring things. And two, because he must be dead on his feet after completing the California Aidescycle, the annual seven day California bicycle ride to raise funds for HIV and AIDS prevention, treatment and research. Congratulations on riding in it a third (fourth?) year Jack! Check out his site for a live blogging version of his seven days on the ride.

Okay, now back to the vacuous meme.

Does someone love you?

Yes someone loves me - as in they care. And yes someone loves me loves me - or so he says.

Do you know anyone named Dave?

Many actually.

Ever kissed anyone with the name starting with a J?

My ex Julia. My ex Jim. John. Joe ~  OMG what a mistake that was.  And I'm sure many who's names I didn't catch.

Has anyone ever mistaken you for a family member?

Yes, my family has done this often. Haha.

What color is your parents bathroom

 Light blue. Yes, as bad as it sounds.

Do you think that hair extensions look skanky?

If you can clearly tell they are hair extensions and that's not the goal ~ yes they look skanky.

Are you named after a grandparent?

Yes, middle name of both grandfathers.

Say you were given a drug test right now. Would you pass or fail?

Pass. Boring, I know.

Are you taller than 5'6"?

Substantially.

Do you know anyone in jail/prison?

There is a person I know of in passing whom I was recently surprised to hear was now in jail. And yes, I know someone who has been.

Ever see a dead body?

I was a paramedic ~ what do you think?

Do you like the color green?

Um, yeah... sure. Kinda lame question, huh?

What is your best friend’s Dad’s name?

You know something? I have no fucking clue. Oh well, yes I do. I should, it's my own name, Allan.

How old are you?

Piss off!

Ok... 40.

Who was the last person to send you a text message?

Hmmm... Roger. I actually don't do a ton of texting.  Actually, I find the concept vile.

Ever drove into the ghetto to buy drugs?

Do they sell drugs in the ghetto?

Last restaurant you went to?

Marche Movenpic

What is the weather like today?

Crisp, mildly cool and sunny. My favorite.

Last voice mail you received?

From my Mom.

What did you do yesterday?

Doctors appointment, out of town meeting, slept.

What’s the first thing you would do with five million dollars?

Run away with Tater.

What nationalities are you?

Irish and a bit of Scottish.

How many hours did you sleep for last night?

Five interrupted hours.

Any upcoming concerts you want to attend?

Montreal Jazz Fest

Who’s the last person that you felt was stalking you?

Stalking... like REALLY stalking? I don't think I want to mention that on the internet!

Have you ever been on your school’s track team?

Ha! When wasn't I.

What jewelry are you wearing?

None. I.Don't.Wear.Jewelry.

If all of your friends were going on a road trip, would you?

Depends on where. Well, no it doesn't. Because it totally depends on who's going.

How much money do you have?

I bet there are, somewhere in the world, one or two tacky losers who actually answer that question.

Do you swear at your parents?

I have. Not now. At least not in anger.

Is your phone right beside you?

No.

Have you cried today?

Surprisingly enough, no.

Do you think that someone is thinking about you right now?

Probably. if not, that's okay too. They will eventually.

Do you untie your shoes every time you take them off?

Yes. So shoot me.

What is the color of your bedsheets?

Varies depending on the sheet currently on the bed. Varies as well to how long they may have been on the bed:)  Generally, white sheets. If not white, grey cotton jersey.

Have you ever crawled through a window?

Yes, more than once.

Are you photogenic?

At times i could be model of the year and at other times i look rather "special". Like I should have a rope holding me to one of the adults. Generally though, yes, I can take a good shot.

What’s your star sign?

Virgo. The Virgin. Cruel irony, I know.

Where do you spend most of your money?

Overpriced gourmet grocery stores and books.

What was the last thing you did?

Pressed "Enter" after writing the last answer.

Do you have a tattoo?

Yes.  And I was drunk enough.  And no, still no regrets.  Okay fine ~ a dolphin on my ass.

Is there a secret you’ve never told any of your friends?

I am almost 100% certain that there's no "secret" I haven't told at least one person. But no one person knows everything.

Have you ever told someone you loved them but didn’t mean it?

Yes. I still feel bad about that.

Have you ever changed your clothes while in a vehicle?

Yes.

What are you doing in 2008?

Another ambiguous one. Trying to get the great American / Canadian novel that has already been written, published.

What is your ring tone?

A simple and boring ring.

What were you doing at 2am last night?

Trying to get to sleep after strenuous activity.

Are your parents married/divorced/separated?

Still married. To each other no less.

What are you doing tonight?

Obviously not what I was doing at 2 am!

What are you doing tomorrow?

With any luck!

Who did you last message on Myspace?

I do not frequent that den of bad design.

What’s your opinion on sex without emotional commitment?

A brilliant thing if you are mature enough to really get it.

Does it annoy you when someone says they’ll call but never do?

Immensely.  If I say I will call, I'll call.  That whole "when someone tells / shows you who they are, believe them" thing ~ the best advice in the world.

What did you dress up as for your first Halloween?

A panda bear. 

Favourite Disney movie?

Original Bambi. Or Winnie The Pooh. Was Winnie even Disney?

Feel free to add your answers to any and all questions on your own site, or in the comments. 

Because, on occasion, I have been known to do the best teenage, Valley girl accent this side of California, I got a particular kick out of this video. With the rate that Allison and I are going, sometime in the next twelve hours we will be sick to death of talking like this to each other and everyone else who is unfortunate enough to listen.

So like, enjoy. 

In retrospect, caution may have been the order of the day. That is, when ordering lunch in a Toronto Tex Mex eatery with a reputation as dubious as it's name, Henando's Hideaway, one would do best to avoid the mussels. The way I am feeling today makes me think I spent the entire lunch hour licking that dirty Hernando's ass! Rude, yes, but oh so true.

So at home I sit, popping immodium, tums, and eating brick cheese, in the futile attempt to bind me up and prevent by the re-enactment of the title of this post, occurring like clockwork at fifteen minute intervals. As if that wasn't enough, I still have no phone, as a gardening accident gone out of control with a digging machine has rendered my entire building without phone lines. Since last Thursday. No, I am not impressed. And yes, I am saying what I swore I would never say. Tomorrow, I'm getting a fucking cell phone.

We hope you have enjoyed this update from Al's bowels, and that you come back soon.

I have always been a fan of Ann Richards, that big haired and equally big mouthed former governor from Texas. When I say big mouthed, I am in no way saying it as a pejorative; the woman always spoke her mind and I had great respect for her. Time and time again, this unabashedly liberal woman's opinions hit the mark.

The following is something I came across when looking for daily quote inspiration. As you will read, it was too good to simply be a daily quote, so it has become today's post. Enjoy.

Sometimes I really have to wonder. Do people actually read anything anymore? Ever? The catalyst for my query arrived last night in the form of the email below. For that extra treat, I've maintained the original spelling.

Dear Alen,

How is your day i belive all is well, good.

My name is jenifer, i saw your profile today and became intrested in you, am looking for a nice man that knows how to take cara of a woman that can take cara of me in anything. i will also like to know you more, and if you can send an email to my email address, i will give you my pictures here is my eadras. I believe we can move from here! Awaiting for your mail to my emaila address above

jenifer.

Not to be an asshole, because I'm sure Ms. Jennifer is a wonderful and charming woman, but I'm curious. Is "Has quite the soft spot for big, rugged, unnervingly intelligent men with facial hair and expertly honed kissing skills", excessively vague? Exactly what part of that does "jenifer" not understand?

Once again, not to be cruel, because it is obvious that English is not this womans native tongue, but the fact remains that if the task of spelling one's first name proves difficult, whatever the reason, then expecting one to be a pro at perceiving more than subtle nods towards sexual orientation; might be somewhat of an unreachable expectation. Or, maybe I'm just too damn demanding and need to stop being so bloody critical all the time. After much thought and consideration, I'm going with the unreachable expectation option.

Am I the only one who gets this stuff? Because now is your chance; tell us your weirdest email story. Please someone, top this! The permanent host of crazy is not what I'm gunning for.

It's when I realize that scenes like the above are not the exception, but the rule, that I am thankful I live where I live. From our front door, Singher and I are a five minute walk away from a ravine home to all manners of wildlife.

Five minutes in the other direction, a scenic walk to the heart of downtown Toronto. On our walks, Singher and I will often see many like the cute cub above. Who, I have decided, we will call Whitebeard.

Picked this up over at Theriomorph's site. A site and an author that, apparently, are much more restrained than myself and my site, coming in at a very low 5.5% cussability. Our result you can see below.

The more relevant point of how I am supposed to use this critical piece of information is beyond me. I think I'll just chalk it up to one of those file useless information and save  for a bored meme day. Or something similar. 

Now your turn. What is your sites cuss factor?

A central reason that I view the show Six Feet Under as my favorite show of all time, besides the brilliant writing and the general philosophy of what that show attempted to do, was because of Lauren Ambrose, the actress who played the role of Claire Fisher. Beautiful, enduring, funny and a little bit tragic, she was the teenage girl that I was sure I would have been, if, you know, I had been a teenage girl.

Okay, moving on. Though there are many favorite scenes I can recall from that show, the following is one which depicts Claire higher than God in that X touchy / feely kind of way, and the first time I saw it, it caught me completely off guard.

The punch line of the following scene had me rolling on the floor in laughter, as it really was so ahead of its time. The events of the past few weeks in white, liberal progressive blog land, only serve to highlight the irony of my posting it now. Enjoy.

When in Toronto, and you decide for entirely boring reasons that do not merit explanation, to sprain your thumb, do not:

• spend upwards of ten hours in an emergency department only to be told by a resident, who looks all of eleven years old, "Oh the triage nurse should have told you, we don't do hands here".
  

For the sake of good taste, I will refrain from including my response to that bit of trivia.

Dear Mr. Rush Limbaugh

From: Every man and woman everywhere who has even once been credited with having an autonomous and original, critical thought. 

TOPIC:: When Speaking On Issues Of Which You Are Ignorant

This afternoon, while doing background research on four timed best selling author, Rhodes Scholar, and post second wave, though not quite third wave feminist icon Naomi Wolf, I had opportunity to come across a brief, yet characteristically in bad taste, sexist, frat pack mentality, rhetoric disguised as analysis, sound bite you made, regarding Ms. Wolf.

But since my pedagogical style has not been threatened by petulant, anti feminist nonsense for quite some time now, and since I prefer to instruct referencing more than the proverbial choir, I considered adding your....opinion, let's say, to the dull hum of the severely and hopelessly off key, right wing contingent shouting from the cheap seats.

Then I happened to take a closer look at the weight and substance of your points regarding Ms. Wolf, and managed to see the error of my progressive ways, in thinking you capable of anything more than your usual offerings of borderline at best, somewhat culturally relevant, bigoted swirl, and came to my senses.

Because Mr. Limbaugh...Okay then, Rush. Because Rush, telling Naomi Wolf that she should:...

...put a sock, or 'something else in it honey', and plop those perky tits back in your bra (if you haven't burned it yet), and run on back to life on the reality side, will make you happier than hanging with the women who use feminism to get a pass to mainstream society. Because all things considered, you are sweet, hell you have pretty hair, and let's face it - you are damn hot! Don't waste your time with the man haters....

....is rather self defeating in some very substantial ways, Rush. But I suppose that would be understandable if you had even a measurable chance anyway. Hate to tell you bigot boy, you and your oxycontin addicted relic of a once has been, now largely irrelevant ass, are way, way, out of that, or any other American woman's league. Most of them don't like you Skippy!

So, back to the memo, Rush. When speaking about issues of which you are ignorant, such as anything to do with Naomi Wolf or any other American woman, please, do your country a favor, and shut the fuck up!

Kisses,

 alto

Well, since 3T did bring it up....here is round two of the Rocky horror Sunday blog video series.

Rocky Horror Trivia:

Shortly after this scene, Little Nell (groupie in the hat) says, in response to the invitation to go upstairs, "some people would give their right arm for the privilege".  Can anyone out there tell me the appropriate audience shout back response?

Now that the title brought you here, and because she was such a hit in this similarly entitled post of two days ago, here is an encore presentation of my friend and yours....no not ocountymommy. I'm referring to none other than Faith the two legged dog. I assume this is her official photo album / portfolio. It seems the girl has been getting around. We have Faith in the seniors home, Faith contemplating eating the guinea pig, Faith on Main Street, you get the idea.

There are some really cute shots in this collection actually, and if this is the type of morning that finds you in a mood that could no doubt use a pick me up, then Faith is just the dog to provide it. Enjoy.

And Faith, by the way, if you ever feel the need to tell your story, I know just the author who could write it....

No, it's not a country song. Given that most people who have taken more than a passing nod at this site, could no doubt easily identify it in the more progressive variety of blog, that designation then would go on to suggest we are in what many call the "reality based community".

Well, judging from the rather colorful comment threads of the last few days, that I imagine, would be the last way one would describe this site and its assorted cast of writers, regulars, commenters and trolls. Never a dull moment, seems an apt description.

Whatever the case may be, from a potentially full moon, to the creeping suspicion that crazy just got loose in the streets, I have had my share of it. Therefore, as I indicated in an email to a few friends last night:

"I think for the next week I will only post about balloons, gay men's fashion (for comedy) and unicorns"!

While that approach would no doubt provide fresh perspective, resulting in a less raucous discussion in the comments, the fact is it would never work. Balloons, if I have to admit this, really kind of creep me out. Then there is the fact that instead of a soother, I was known to obsessively rub balloons under my nose as a comfort thing, and well, that's why we are moving on.

Gay mens fashion? No. As someone who loves to buy his clothes at a boot store named after a forest, admittedly, I'm not all that centered in the latest Versachi for men collection. And really, even posting about unicorns would be a lost cause, lest one of the regular and unhinged Warriors for Jesus comes up with the twisted idea that I want to fuck the poor unicorn. "Because the next thing, don't you know, is men with goats"  (Comment # 20)

Right. So instead, I offer you a video. A short story that is simple, sweet, happy, and even a bit inspiring. And in keeping with the theme of the past few days, I'm tossing in a bit of old fashioned crazy for good measure. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you:

Faith, the dog who walks on two legs. Seriously, this is a very nice story.

Here's a good one. What do you get when you combine equal parts crude, tacky, and dense, with a dash of entitlement? Why you get someone with the nerve to call himself MAXIM. Why nerve? Because one would think that if you spend more than forty five minutes watching the video by Naomi Wolf, in my recent entry The End Of America, you would have more to add to a comment than a dismissive snort about how Ms. Wolf is quite a hot little number, etc. (add in the usual misogynist / sexist bullshit).

But why the entitlement? Because if after I delete your stupid ass comment, please don't send me an email telling me you expect me to "play" fair and also take down your screen name! If you haven't guessed sunshine, your bargaining power at the moment is on a bit of a different axis than mine. So, no, I will not take down your screen name, and the box where your comment was will indicate that I deleted your comment. If you would be at all interested in why, that is outlined in the comment policy which you either didn't read, or perhaps assumed I was just kidding. Oops!

But if you are stupid enough to include a link, I'll be sure to keep that. You know, just so people can see who the bone head really was! Though normally you don't include your link on those types of comments. Funny, that.

Actually this one is kind of cool. Gavin at Why oh Why has tagged me for the "Four Things meme". I would normally give him endless grief, though he has just celebrated his 1000'th blog post, so I figured I'd give the boy a break. Besides, he has really nice eyes. I'm a sucker for baby blues....

Four Jobs I Have Had In My Life

• Lifeguard
• Swim Coach
• Flight Paramedic
• Public Health Researcher
  

Four Movies I Would Watch / Have Watched Over And Over

• Harold and Maude
• The Boys In The Band
• Short Cuts
• The Garden Of The Finzi Continis
  

Four Places I Have Lived

• Tokyo, Japan
• Jasper, Canada
• Usinsk, Russia
• Montreal, Canada
  

Four TV Shows That I Watch

• Law & Order (original)
• The Fifth Estate
• Mash reruns
• The Young & The Restless (since I was five)
  

Four Places I Have Visited

• New Zealand
• France
• Tibet
• Chille
  

Four People Who Email Me Regularly

• Bruce
• Tate
• Allison
• Karen
  

Four Favorite Foods

• Anything Japanese
• Grilled eggplant sandwiches
• Pears
• Granola
  

Four Places I Would Like To Be Right Now

• London
• Jasper
• Hiking
• Flying anywhere
  

Four Things I Am Looking Forward To This Year

• Sean & Jeffrey coming in June
• London this summer
• A potential new work venture
• Getting published
  

For this meme I'm going to tag two bloggers and two people who comment often but don't keep blogs themselves. Feel free to post in the comments section with as lengthy an entry as you desire. Jack Nasty and Maine Gay are the bloggers, and Didi and redzog are the lucky commenters.

The early part of this week will be a little heavy with marking papers and finishing a few of my own. So please enjoy this Moday edition of From The Archives. On a positive note, it will be the last one of this winter, as next time this week will be spring!

*** 

After a rather stress filled weekend which saw me spend time with my hateful, Baptist missionary cousin (more on that on Monday), come Sunday evening I was needing to relax and unwind.

The prescription for relax and unwind? "Bruce, let's go to The Eagle for a beer".

Arrived at five thirty, intent on having "one beer". I believe I've written about how that best laid plan inevitably goes south anytime Bruce and step into a bar. So, several beer, a few shots, and multiple laughs later, we are standing beside the dance floor at Sunday 80's night.

Too involved in listening to Bruce recount his story about the old family dog, an evil cocker spaniel with an over bite, we were oblivious to the opening notes of Head over Heals, by The Go Go's.

The beer and the image of a dog with an over bite must have completely held my attention, since Belinda Carlisle, to this day, makes me question my Kinsey ranking. We were about to head onto the dance floor for that great early 80's anthem, when from somewhere behind us, Bruce and I hear:

Young twink #1. "OMG! This is that new remix I was telling you about!

Young twink #2. I've heard this, I love it! Who did the original?

Young twink #1. Some all girl band in like, the early seventies or late sixties. My mom used to love them.

Choking on my beer, I glance at Bruce.

Slowly and methodically, he offers, "And I'm turning forty next month. Fucking kill me now".

As I've indicated before, part of the requirement for the MFA in creative writing, is to teach three courses in the academic year, usually one a term, in the fall, winter, and spring sessions. And really, this was an experience that even if I hand picked it, it could not have worked out better.

The stated goals of the course, Identity & Experience: Minority Representation In Modern American Literature, said it all: To demonstrate both an appreciation and a theoretical understanding of the self referential process, and how the experience of oppression applies in selected works of modern American literature. Modern literature with a social consciousness around gender, race, class, and sexual orientation? Hell, I'd pay to take the course!

So yes, the time I am having this year teaching a full semester of that interesting combination of literature and the core humanities, is simply no less than a treat to teach, and one I am very grateful has resulted in permanent instructor status. So why, is there always a but?

Not because it surprises me that rich, privileged kids from the finer residential enclaves in the country, can on occasion, be shockingly, shockingly stupid, as I have quite the significant personal knowledge of the experience, but this takes the cake. Let's call him "Ted". A first year recreation and leisure student, Ted is your typical straight guy, a year out of high school. The type who is always a little too loud, a bit obnoxious, the last to leave the party; the guy who thinks he's a real jock, but actually, really isn't. Chubby, not "husky", he failed out of all varsity try-outs because of his "bad shoulder".

So, where to meet hot babes, thinks Ted. Why, in a course about literature, oppression, power and privilege, all topped off with advanced theories of radical feminist thought, of course! I'm sure the fact that "ism 101 is a bird course", helped out quite a bit in his course selection. As Ted found out very quickly on both counts, his judgment is clearly a skill that might benefit from some time and consideration.

So leave it to good old Ted, because he really has no clue how to write literary focused academic papers on issues of heterosexism, misogyny, and racially segmented identity appropriation, to attempt to realize success in other ways. Someone else's, to be specific. Let me be clear, I do not support plagiarism for one second. But....I've always said, if you're going to do it, at least do it uniquely. Because no one still reads those far left zines popular in the late nineties. You know, the ones where no one uses their real identity, so one can be free to experiment with all manner of angry indignation, as they write their brilliant manifesto.

I hate to admit this, but really, it was more than fun when I opened up Ted's term paper and read the title, Gay Men & Masculinity: an experiential journey through a culturally constructed mine field, I had to laugh. Now you may be asking if my laughter was due to that very witty title. That would certainly have been part of it. The other part however, was when it hit me that I spent roughly half an hour on that title. Back in 1997, when I published it to an independent zine, using my screen name of altoblue.

Now that, was funny. First, because I would say the title should have told this straight boy very clearly, it was not a paper written by someone who kisses girls. The fact he missed "experiential", or perhaps the meaning didn't register, makes it even funnier. And second, because those things just don't happen more than once, maybe twice, in your life. Never having happened to me before, this is just too deliciously ironic to count for less than twice.