blueAlto

Like many gay men who have enjoyed a rich and multi colored experience with their own sexuality, I have had some memorable experiences. Translated, that is polite code for my way of referring to the obligatory "sluttish phase". In my case, a rather lengthy and experience laden time period. That, however, is another story.

In my most active period of "sowing my oats" I had more than a few profiles on the on line dating sites. For many reasons, priority changes, personal confidence increases, finding more stable and permanent outlets, I learned that an ability to accomplish the same ends does not always require itself to be garnered while Online. Because of that, most of those profiles have now been canceled, or the dominant text has been changed to indicate interests more friendship based, less sexually focused.

Therefore it is always a bit of a shock when I receive a message from one of the Internet's current X rated gay welcoming committee members. You know the type. Their primary picture is....let's just say usually never the face, and the descriptions of what they like to do, how they like to do it, and whom they like to do it to, frequently run close to novella length.  One element I always find particularly amusing, is the oh so similar carnally focused, run on sentence narrative, liberally peppered with terms such as nasty, raunchy, pig, twisted, hell yeah, etc. etc! The infinite combination of no more than twelve words, seven grunts, and eleven hundred ways to say "twisted".

So it is usually no surprise when I receive a certain style of email from one of these guys. Usually never a hello, or an introduction, or a name offering. No, apparently it is much easier, and one would assume more successful, to describe in detail how they would enjoy it if they could "nail my ass into next week".  Usually I just see these emails as inappropriately funny and annoyingly bold, and respond with a quick but polite note explaining that they may wish to move on to other trees and begin a new round of barking. And that, is normally all it takes. Normally.

However there is one specific type of response that will do an exacting job of making my blood boil, and launching me into one pedantic, defensive, and overbearing asshole. That would be a response which is even remotely suggestive of murky consent barriers, or sometimes even the bolder suggestion of rape. The "rape is hot" crowd, who reach their sexual Nirvana through scenes with obvious or implied power dynamic differences.

Let me be clear here.  If that is how you and your partner both freely decide to sexually engage, then I have nothing to say on the matter.  However when you email a stranger making those suggestions, "freely decide" is out the window.  When I, or anyone else opens that email, you have absolutely no idea as to my or their history of, politics around, or personal experience with the reality of rape. That is not simply rude or bad manners. In my mind, it can be a form of assault.

Harsh? You bet! Have I been raped myself?  No I have not. Though I have experienced the shock, pain, grief, anger, debasement, and collective chaos that those close to a rape victim will, to some extent, always go through. Which is why, when you send me an email such as the one below, do not be surprised at my response.

This is only a very small portion of the manic, run on screed that awaited me in my inbox this morning.

Hey Hot Fucker,

....OINK! U and your bud are hot! How about you watch me tie (name of friend) up in a dog cage, and then when I rape the whore and split open his nasty ass, then you could .....

Mr. Best Social Skills of 2008 then offers a lovely closing of "Twisted, hey fucker", signing off as FilthRaunchBBPigFkr.

Lovely. As I have said, inappropriate, I will dismiss. Vapid, I will laugh at. Rude, I normally ignore.  A suggestion of a form of assault and violence that carries the current and historical baggage that rape carries? I will never let that go lightly. This was today's response.

Dear FilthRaunchBBPigFkr

In your recent email to me you stated:

"Twisted hey". Here you were referring to your descriptions of the rape of a friend of mine.

Actually no, not twisted at all. Lame, insecure, suggestive of pathology, anti social, illegal, and not to mention, intensely misogynist. Clearly, you are about as socially aware as Charles Manson. But when you describe and articulate common rape narratives that involve people I care about, I will view that as

1.  Aggressively rude and disrespectful.
2.  About as far removed from anything to do with sex as one can get.
3.  A very passive aggressive style of mind game that is usually based in severe and discordant power dynamics.

For whatever reason, you have completely misread my vibe. So I need to be clear. I have no doubt that we are in every way socially and sexually incompatible.  You may view that as harsh and "not getting your joke", or feel that my views are aggressively and prohibitively PC.  Fine, your opinion I suppose. 

However when it comes to rape - joking or not joking, it is a vibe I will *always* take seriously, and *never* find funny.  Period.  Perhaps after this email is copied to this sites administration, you will have reason to view it as I do.

All the best.

So here are a few questions to ponder.  Was I wrong to copy the site?  What would you have done? What, if anything, should site management do?

For those of you just joining the series, part 1 and part 2, as well as this post, are recommended background reading.

Below is the third of four installments to my series A Clarity Filled Weekend.  A strange, surreal adventure; my first experience with the drug crystal methamphetamine. In many ways, this first time experimentation offered quite the draw for myself and my friend D. Thankfully for us, our first experience also proved to be just experimentation, with what has since become quite the gay urban menace.

At the end of the last installment, D and I were beginning our first morning of a three day teaching contract at UCLA, our alma mater for the Masters in clinical paramedicine and community health we had received two years earlier. It was an important opportunity, as visiting alumni faculty positions were soon to be offered. Both D and I were being considered for the positions, and had been told off the record that a favorable review of our teaching experience in the department would go a long way in ensuring our selection.

With that as a backdrop, on a Monday morning in July of 1998, D and I stood at the front of the lecture theater and began the introduction to Therapeutic Approaches To Behavior In Crisis, a three day crisis intervention workshop for emergency nurses, paramedics, and physicians D and I had written and published in grad school. We were tense to say the least, as the morning had seen us late, without sleep, horribly not prepared, clad in day old clothes, and shall we say, still rather buzzed from a weekend of multiple excess. We had fucked up in the extreme. Failure and humiliation were the inevitable reality which we were certain would greet us at the end of the lecture. For some strange reason, things didn't quite go as planned....

An interesting and unique dynamic with crystal methamphetamine, and one that is absent in the vast majority of other recreational drugs, is the ability to focus and motivate users during tasks which they have previously been adept at. A significant draw for many people with a competitive agenda. Though if and when meth use becomes relied upon, that specific and unique benefit, after several months, often becomes the specific factor which causes a users downfall.

In other words, a normally shy introvert, if on meth, will often become the gregarious, socially engaging life of the party. However, all good things must come to an end. Six months of continued use, and that witty, life of the party, becomes the loud, sweaty, socially inappropriate person that others cannot stand to be around.

Another common example is the ambitious young executive. Wanting more competitive advantage, the individual may use meth to get ahead. And often they will be seen as more productive, having increased energy, and projecting the exact personal deportment necessary for success. Six months later, the individuals sick time will be disastrous, their work will be unfocused and incomplete, and many will view the interactions they have with the person as bizarre and scattered. Interestingly, the demographic second only to gay men in rising crystal usage and addiction, is that of young, college educated women, often those with high profile careers in major urban settings.

This had been the first experience of meth for both D and I, and in retrospect, both of us were still completely and utterly high when we took the lead in the UCLA lecture hall. And for whatever reason, possibly the one I site above, the next two hours proved to be one of the best, and most dynamic courses we had ever taught. In speaking with the dean during the meeting where we signed our newly offered visiting instructor contracts, our new boss remarked how she had never seen evaluations which contained such consistently high marks and positive critiques.

Sitting across from the woman who had just offered us the positions that only a few short hours prior we believed we had no chance in hell of receiving, D and I could only smile, say thank you, and wish for a hasty retreat from the most awkward educational dynamic we had, up to that point, ever been involved.in.

I mention this specific example, since both D and I believe our success in the classroom that morning, ironically was the one overall factor which provided the impetus for our decision, and subsequent action of never using this drug again. Ironic in the sense that as powerful as meth was in helping us realize a very successful teaching evaluation, we both seemed to understand it would be equally powerful in it's hold over us if we ever again engaged it for a similar benefit.

However that in no way should be seen as a decision which took into account the entire flavor of our weekend experimentation. Since there were definite elements of very pleasurable experience. Specifically, sexual experiences unlike any we had known before. Though not even this experience is without some inherently troubling aspects.

In my concluding piece, I'll detail how, when using meth sexually, there often is a significant duality that is present. Beyond the intense pleasure, there seems to exist a unique, but troubling dynamic. While not attempting to speak to anyone's experience but my own, it is a dynamic I view as having significant dark, almost base elements. Elements that I enjoyed, but ultimately found very disturbing.

Part I of this series is recommended reading for anyone interested in the topic.  So is this entry, which provides some important and needed context regarding personal sexual risk assessment.

A Caution:

I'm not usually a fan of cautions or trigger warnings, however this essay contains frank, descriptive examples of drug use, sexual situations, and the dynamics around both. For some people who deal with issues of addiction, descriptions such as these may be triggers that increase the desire to use.  I offer this caution for individuals to use as they deem appropriate.

Some Current Thoughts:

Being truthful in a public recounting of experiences I'm not exactly proud of, has been more difficult than I anticipated. Putting very personal, very private, and very out of character behavior across a web page for all to view and harshly critique is a scary thing to do. Though as I've stated, a truthful inventory of my own experience with what people I know struggle with daily, is in my view, the most authentic gesture I can offer.

Something many of us, including myself, have been guilty of, is navigating relationships through a very easy dynamic of "helper" and "he who must be helped". For those of us who have never experienced true addiction, the rigid, constructed roles of addict and savior, conveniently avoid challenging what has been our own experience. Therefore, never confronting the truth that tells us addiction has very little to do with character, will power, "good" or "bad" people, weakness or strength.

Much more likely, addiction is a result of complicated patterns of genetics, biology, and physiologic affinity. That can be a very uncomfortable truth, as there is no escaping the reality that says, there but for grace go I. For me, the purpose of this essay is to get a little closer to that truth.

Tonight I pick up where I left off in part I. That of it being July 1997, and I am in Los Angeles with my friend D, both of us for the purpose of instructing, and potentially receiving UCLA academic appointments. Soon after arrival, for reasons I detail in the first installment, D and I are at a friends home when we snort our first ever hit of crystal meth. Ten years later, it is still a weekend blur of drug induced and sexually charged July days. Next Monday, I will publish part III, followed by a follow up piece a week later.

Los Angeles CA:  A Monday in July 1997, 6:55 am

Getting up from the couch where I must have just recently drifted off, I survey the room. My friend D, head at the opposite end of the couch, is fast asleep, a neatly collected pool of drool on the pillow beneath his head.

"Get up sunshine", I slap D's ass hard enough to elicit a brief head rise from the pillow. 

To my right, through an open door to what I assume is a bedroom, I notice three naked bearish guys, one heavily tattooed, one tightly muscled and the third rather fat. They are in what seems to be the climactic moments of a rather verbal threesome.

Making my way to the bathroom, I wipe the sleep from my eyes as I realize the tightly muscled guy is Paul, the friend we have been staying with since arriving in LA on Friday. Though I have no clue who the other two are. Nor do I have any clue who's apartment we are in.

"Fuck"! I mutter under my breath to no one in particular, as I glance at my watch.

It's Monday morning, and D and I have exactly one hour and five minutes to get our combined asses behind a podium at UCLA. A task not especially daunting, however given our experience of the past two and a half days, it would appear to be a task of monumental proportion. And we are, I'm realizing, in Silverlake; the farthest east one can get on Santa Monica Blvd. before it ends.

Standing naked in an unfamiliar bathroom, splashing cold tap water on my face, I get a whiff of what I assume to be my scent. One which tells me my lateness reclassifies as a secondary priority, given the unpleasant odor of beer, sweat, sex, and what seems to be ammonia emanating from my pores. Yet another of the pesky side effects wrought from our spontaneous weekend indulgences. Side effects that, over the next several hours, I will become intimately familiar with.

Realizing I need to get it the fuck together fast, I adjust the tap handle to a slightly less than freezing temperature. Standing under the cold stream, it all seems to hit me at once. The all over muscle soreness, the very present aching teeth, a result of forty eight hours of unaware grinding, and what I'm noticing to be a very red, chafed, and extremely tender cock. One that is oddly semi stiff, given the "shower as Arctic" water temperature. That's not surprising I think, remembering the Viagra I popped last evening to combat yet another of the ever present side effects our new friend Tina has offered. I successfully resist the desire to stroke off yet another load.

Hoping out of the cold shower, I quickly dry, making a conscious attempt to not dwell on my other slightly painful sensation. The one which results from my asshole playing host to more cocks in one weekend than it had in the previous year. Not exactly a large number, given the days in a year. Though I remind myself we are talking days, not years. The pitt in the stomach grows with that realization.

For the first time in the past forty eight hours, I take a critical inventory of my face in the bathroom mirror. And honestly, given the events, it's actually not as bad as I am expecting. Though the eyes are what concern me. Beyond feeling like I have embedded several small bits of sand under the lids, I am troubled by the rather intense, unblinking presentation the mirror reflects back.  It's a reflection with a distinct vibe of "wound too tight".

Fuck it. I need to get my ass in the car, do some serious speeding (no pun intended) and with any luck, come up with some semblance of an excuse as to why we are late to present a two hour lecture for fourth year paramedic students.  An evaluated lecture, one with the potential of being awarded visiting alumni faculty status. Thinking of the topic D and I chose for our presentation, "Therapeutic Approaches To Behavior In Crisis". I can't help letting out an ironic little giggle.

Literally kicking D's ass into and out of the shower in record time, I then get dressed in what I am realizing are my none too fresh smelling clothes from yesterday. Awkwardly, I interrupt the grunting, sweaty, and as of yet, uncompleted and unclimaxed three way fuck fest. I need to ask Paul where he'll be hiding the key for us when we return.

Attempting to momentarily take his focus off the fat but very woofy bear aggressively plowing his ass, I manage to get Paul, who's ankles amusingly appear to be glued to the wall behind his head, to let us know the key will be under the dog house in the backyard. Thanking Paul, I offer a hasty goodbye to the three carnally focused bears. I'm still at a loss as to who the hell the other two are. Though a passing thought which tells me that may not be all I'm drawing a blank on, is, at this early hour, more than slightly revolting.

Five minutes later, unsuccessful at our attempt to break the sound barrier with a rented Chevrolet Malibu, we are both sweaty and sketchy, still slightly spun from our last bump. D and I begin referencing events of the past two days, deciding that since Friday night, it has been a sometimes weird, sometimes wonderful, but always slightly twisted downward trajectory of strange repetitions; snort meth, have sex, obsess on a task, accomplish absolutely nothing, snort meth, obsessively pontificate on literally everything, not eat, snort meth, have more sex with more people....Repeat....Multiple times.

With a sarcastic chuckle, D asks, "What the fuck are we doing bud"?

As always, I don't miss the just under the surface vibe in his statement.  A vibe of more serious weight than was his intention.

Groaning, I offer, "The fuck if I know".

And as D knows me just as well as I know him, he is aware of what only a few other human beings would have been able to recognize in my response. That beneath the attempted tone of bored indifference, there exists a completely sincere statement and question.

We drive in silence, both realizing the need for discussion, but realizing now is not the time. Since at eighteen minutes after eight, we are in Westwood, pulling into the visitor parking at UCLA Medical Center. Ahead of us, two hours of intensely evaluated teaching. As if to signal the direction our luck is about to take, just before turning the hall to where the lecture theater is located, D suggests I roll the sleeves up on my button down. To hide the rather large and obvious cum stain on the right cuff.

Where normally such a suggestion would be offered and met with a smirk and a good measure of unrestrained laughter, a terse "Shit!" is my only response, as I hastily roll up my sleeves....

With the title above, I am referring to the comment left by RealSanDiegoWoman in my post entitled HIV Prevention: Consider The Context

The reasoned and considered response offered by that reader?

Sick! How you can say it discordant responses to crisis. Big words for fucking depravity. I no a few "gay" men who went out and got it because they thought the HIV in the come was going to feel even better than the regular come. SICK!

Let's look a little closer at that comment. While it is not her usual hate fueled, hate filled invective, due to its way of the projectile vomiting arc, its unsophisticated message is not just lost on the reader, but any and all weight of argument her points may have possessed, is also lost.

At any rate, in her comment RealSanDiegoWoamn states:

"I no a few "gay" men who went out and got it because they thought the HIV in the come was going to feel even better than the regular come. SICK!"

Just to clarify RealSanDiegoWoman, when you say "it", I assume you mean HIV. When you say "come" I assume you mean sperm, and when you state you "no", I assume you mean "you have made the acquaintance of"?  The accepted way of spelling and using those terms would be something to keep in mind for future reference, since an invective full of grammar, spelling and usage errors, tends to often be absent its intended punch.

Though as I said, there is an element in your point that is certainly steeped in fact Real SD.  Yes, there are in fact a very small number of gay men who have erotically charged the narratives around infection and transmission of HIV, often turning it into this weeks take on hot, dirty verbal.  And yes, there are a small amount of men who do in fact engage that pursuit in their daily life. Not my cup of tea, but then, I don't take on the gay communities various narratives as a personal crusade.  But it does point to something that needs to be looked at more closely, and that's the real causation of infection, and the dynamics driving that infection.

You know, normally I would just ignore your bigoted howls, but because they lead into something I see as urgent in this discussion, I will play along and address your comment.  I am going to say that the number of situations to which your dramatic example applies, is certainly not high enough for you to disparage ideas around new approaches in an ongoing and increasingly larger public health problem spanning almost three decades.

But as I said, you do touch on a wider issue, and that is "discordant responses to a crisis".  The theme of the piece you were responding to.  As I explained in the piece, these are the type of responses people engage when you expect them to do just the opposite.  It's seen with high frequency in individuals who are experiencing post traumatic stress disorder.  They will frequently seek out, then engage the exact things that will make their condition worse. That is the underpinning of PTSD.  The theory being that whatever the trigger was, or is, the reality of it is so huge, and so terrifying, that the most palatable response for an individual is to hasten the onset of it.  Bringing it on but with some level of control that would have been absent without the discordant response to crisis.

Food for thought RealSanDiegoWoamn.  Do you not think it remotely possible that a twenty six year history of death on a scale of war time, experienced by a core group of people who are not accepted as equal citizens of their own country in some fundamentally essential ways, would at all add to responses over time that are off the norm?  Don't answer now, just please consider it.

In an odd way, RealSanDiegoWoman has solidified my decision to finally address this specific topic.  Look for a post referencing it soon.

Check out this amazing article written in September of 2007 posted to Lifelube, the HIV prevention blog. Unfortunately, I just came across the piece recently.  In it, David J. Malebranche, MD, MPH, Assistant Professor at the Division of General Medicine at Emory University’s School of Medicine, Atlanta, Georgia, writes about gay black men, HIV prevention, and the systemic race issues and racism that continue to cause devastation in the lives of gay and non gay black men in America.

The issues are complex and multi layered, and in my view, many of them can only be addressed by someone familiar with, and most importantly, part of the community they are trying to reach. Dr. Malebranche is that individual, and he offers wisdom, insight, and a keen understanding of racial dynamics in framing and setting out priorities for black, gay men's health. 

From The Truth in Black & White by David Malebranche:

All of this is not new and neatly plays into age-old stereotypical notions of Black masculinity that emphasize heterosexual and physical/athletic prowess over traditional masculine definitions like education, employment and responsibility that are reserved for White men. These definitions began with slavery, where our only roles we to work and breed, and it continues today on the auction blocks of professional sports’ drafting process, where predominantly Black athletes are bought and sold to predominantly White owners of sports franchises.

But one needs to look no further than the media to see how, particularly in this field of athletics, the predominantly White media still manages to establish double standards that brainwash Black men into believing that everything they do is wrong, while White players can act in a similar fashion and not be punished or held accountable for their actions with a similar level of public scrutiny and outrage.

Great stuff here that really gets to the heart of issues involved in black gay men's health and lives. 

No, not the fifth installment in The Letters Project. That comes tomorrow. Instead, this is something I have agonized in coming up with an appropriate introduction for. And since the gossip machine is in full swing, as email after email is reminding me, now is probably the best time.

But after trying for the better part of three days, I knew I would need help with this. So what does one do when they are a writer of the hopelessly self referential variety? Well, they look to things they have written before.

In my first piece that saw print publication, I penned a somewhat cynical and humoress send up of a personal add. Things We Want To Say But Never Do was never meant to be serious. After seeing it in print, I realized that many of the things most important to me, both in myself and others, were staring back at me from the page. Comical or not, I had poured my heart out. I ended the piece with a light list of some favorite things, implying that if I found the man who shared most or all of them, then I would have found what many of us search for in a partner, but very rarely find; a true connection.

A portion of that list follows below.

If some or all of what follows below makes you smile, we need to make plans today:

...Total Euro trash eighties, pop eighties, goth eighties, (a pattern developing here), dogs, Thai food, David Sedaris, insulin requiring musicals, British accents, British men, friendly gay bars, long sleeved t-shirts, contradictions, strong women, plaid button downs, someone who says they are sorry and they mean it, flowers in a natural state, Baja, rugby as sport not as fetish, someone who can’t dance and doesn’t care, bodies of water, pretentious alternative cinema with exhaustive silences and painful close ups, university sweatshirts, a bare ass in chaps on a public street with obvious confidence, Tracy Ulman, fashion commentators who make no sense, people watching, good friends, parents as people, visionary concepts, a cheesy sad movie, being invested in something...

The short winded point to this trip down Allan's narrative quest for connection?  Well, surprising no one more than myself, I have found it. After close to a year of thinking, and actually accepting, it would not happen again, it has. His name is Roger, and I am in love. For the worriers among you, don't worry, so is he. :) There will be more to come in the next day or two.

In response to yet another "I just can't understand why the fags can't be responsible and use a condom every time", article on the topic of our failed HIV prevention strategies, consider this my response.

Though I should offer a warning.  If you are the type of individual to steadfastly ignore the evidence in front of you, and instead retreat to a position of relative emotional insularity, this may not be the read for you.  As it tends to begin at the place we currently are. I know, what a novel concept.

After twenty six years of a disease, there are some things we can say for sure, and we can be totally at peace with the facts of those assertions.  Lets look at a few, shall we?

Shame, blame, and moralizing ridicule may be wonderful tools to aid in ones perception of personal importance, however as a prevention method for a global pandemic, they actually do little to help.  Many argue, myself included, that they may in fact make the problem worse, by helping to set up dynamics of entrenched and marginalized sub culture, where what eventually manifests as norms in response to unrelenting persecution, are examples of discordant personal and community responses to crisis.

What else have we learned from twenty six years of a plague that has affected the gay community on a scale similar to war time?  We have learned that people are going to continue having sex in the face of a crisis, or under threat of death, or even with great personal risk.  In fact, under these circumstances, many will have more sex than they would in normal conditions.

Another lesson from the past quarter century of public health and epidemiological data?  Abstinence is a rock solid theory on the prevention of HIV, but, like Communism, it just never really works out as planned.  Uganda, for example, has been heralded as the modern example of  "old fashioned values at work".  President Bush gave an unprecedented figure in the high millions to help in that countries fight against HIV.  With of course, a catch.  That condoms be used as only a third line resource; never a first or second line intervention. 

In a country where well over fifty per cent of its female victims acquire HIV through a non choiced sexual encounter, either rape or prostitution out of necessity, the public health professionals would have told you that approach was a recipe for disaster.  It was the correct assumption.  The last stats for the region show HIV infection rates to be up by more than 86%.

I'm going to propose something radical. Radical as in, like radical feminism, relating to the root.  Read it twice if you so require.

If we expect a community, an individual, or a planet for that matter, to respond appropriately in the time of extra ordinary circumstance, then it would be a logical extension that we offer that culture, community, individual, and planet, a standing in society that mandates equality.  That is humanity 101, and is central to the human nature of moral individuals.

This point is so key in this crisis, I cannot understand why we have not been dealing with it from the start.  The gay community of the early eighties was a young and a culturally immature community.  It was also less than five years out of the era which saw Anita Bryant and the Briggs initiative, teachers fired from their positions for being gay, landlords, employers, even stores, routinely deny service to gays and lesbians.  Untold examples of families rejecting their gay and lesbians sons and daughters, brothers and sisters.

July, 1981

Consider what happens when, cruel irony being the bitch that she is, makes her entrance:

Bringing with her a new, fatal in all cases, very disfiguring gay cancer. 

It happens to target a community not accepted in most ways by a very fearful, hostile and intolerant greater society. 

Add on a good fifteen years of unrelenting death.

Don't add in a cure, because there was none.

But please, add in more death. 

Add in grieving and more grieving, eventually experienced as a learned art.

Entire circles of friends - gone.

Cut to 1996.  

For the first time since this crisis began, people start to whisper about hope.

The whisper turns into an official announcement.

New medications. 

People stop dying in massive number.

And, like human beings are known to do, people react in very human ways. 

Many say thank God, I can now forget for a while. 

Many see the beginning of an end they dream, hope, and pray for. 

And a few, see it for what it is....

Cruel Irony: Act II

Rinse, repeat.

Cut to 2008.  Well, what do you know? We have a prevention crisis in the gay community!

Now, please ask yourself:  Is it not possible that the dynamics I describe very briefly above, could have helped in part to create a less than optimal environment in which to self advocate for personal health?  Or, a less verbose way of saying it;  the past two and a half decades have been one hell of a twisted mind fuck for an entire community.  It has known more loss, with an equal amount of non acknowledgment, than most people could ever conceive of. 

Some may ask why the intense detailing.  Because, it shows that our community response to this crisis is not the norm.  The actions people counter with, are, in many ways, only adding to the problem.  Whether it be the right wing fundie, or the puritanical gay man still not over his sexual shame who harshly condemns, or the "not a care about anybody else in the fucking world" methed out party boy who has unprotected sex with everyone from Toronto to San Fran.  Our responses culturally, and our responses personally, are often making this situation worse. 

Strange?  Ironic?  Evil?  Flagrant disregard for life?  Suggesting a lack of humanity?  Hardly.  What these responses demonstrate, are the textbook markers and clinical identifiers of community acquired post traumatic stress disorder. Reacting out of the range of what "should be done", is an entirely normal response given the current context.

The HIV prevention blog Lifelube had an interesting and guardedly hopeful article yesterday, talking about some things that occurred at a conference this past winter. This past February the annual International Conference On Retro Virus & opportunistic Infections met to look at new ways of treating and preventing HIV.

While that can certainly be a dry conference to say the least, one thing that does sound like it was positively revolutionary, in that it was something we have just never heard before, was from Dr. Ron Stall, MD, School of Public Health, University of Pittsburg....

A question posed to the doctor on the issue of gay men's prevention campaigns and the efficacy of preventing new HIV infections, was telling for two reasons; as much as it was for a certain two part answer. First, he talked about incidence rates; that is, the infection within a community over time, given certain variables. For urban gay men, the news does not look good. Consider:

The incidence rate is 2.4% Well, what does 2.4% mean? What does 2.4%, in particular, mean over long periods of time? So using a closed cohort of young gay men at the age of 18, none of whom were infected at 18, but calculated an incidence rate of infection of 2.4% per year as these men moved from age 20 to age 40. The model that we constructed yielded an estimate that at about age 25, about 15% of the men would be HIV positive; by age 35, about a third; and by age 40, about 41%...

That is pretty sobering. When asked why we were in effect doing so crappy at this as a culture, Dr. Stall paused, and offered this (emphasis mine): 

"I think gay men are doing as well as any group of human beings could ever do, in view of the onslaught that's happened over the past quarter of a century due to this epidemic. Men are having a hard time staying consistently safe every single time we have sex. But that's true of all men. What we need to do is look at what's happening around contextual issues, and areas where we can help promote health among gay men that would increase the efficacy of our prevention efforts, and increase our ability to do a better job with HIV prevention. I don't think it's helpful to engage in a blaming-the-victim kind of analysis. There are much smarter ways to promote health in these communities than blaming victims."

Wow. There is something very new. An HIV prevention expert making sense on an issue that over the past twenty six years we have managed to completely screw up. I have talked about it at length here many times, but from working on a volunteer basis in prevention and public health for over ten years, we have yet to do something effective for this disease besides throw condoms at it. Which, as we know, have done a marginal job at prevention.

The doctor not only frames the crisis in new terms that we can operate from, but he also drives home the point that we need to define risk again, as this is a measurably different disease in 2008, that it was in 1981. Like it or not, that does speak to risk and risk perception. Dr. Stall suggests, among other things, "reducing a community viral load".

While that approach may seem counter intuitive, and may serve to only create more unsafe sex scenarios, consider that those who don't use condoms regularly have made a very conscious decision to do that. it is nor a decision that will be changed by us refusing to use any other option. Reducing a community viral load is a strategy that gets aggressive treatment to those in need early on, thus decreasing the infection potential in a large pool of the infected. Thus, over time, reducing on a large scale the number of new HIV infections.

While these are all still very new and untested approaches, we have been needing new approaches and new conversations for a very long time. This is very good news from one very dynamic and progressive public health professional. The full transcript and abstract from the studies Dr. Stall references can be found here.

While I have never been overly impressed with the on line dating / hook up scene, I have maintained an add on one of the larger gay dating web pages for quite some time. No, I am not saying which one, and no, I am not putting a link up! Though really, it's not that hard to figure out. However recently, I updated it with new text and pictures. And that's when things got interesting.

One of the additions I included in the text was a clarification around my rule of not responding to adds without face pictures. A very common statement and frequent request by gay men who use these sites. But I decided to go one step further and clearly explain why I had made that a rule. That's when the proverbial shit hit the fan. Here's the part of my add that I reference, and evidently causes great offense:

As a rule, I do not respond to men without a recent face picture in their profile, even if you are willing to send one after initial contact. I find the inability to show ones face in an online dating profile says some specific things about your comfort level as an out gay man that I doubt would make us compatible. Otherwise, I do answer all friendly messages.

Now to be fair, along with the massive amount of mail telling me I am a smug, arrogant, elitist and cocky asshole for requesting such a thing, I have had roughly the same amount of mail telling me that what I wrote was refreshing, respectful, or some other description considered positive. In total, just over one hundred and fifty responses for that specific issue alone.

Personally, I am floored that it would cause offense at all. Though I can understand a little easier why someone might praise it, since the tone and manners expressed in many of these profiles would make Ann Landers turn over in her grave. 

So I began thinking about etiquette online and on these sites, and the greater idea of what exactly is the best way to tell someone what you are not interested in. Is there ever a polite way to do that, or is it best to tell by omission and just indicate the things you are looking for? Given that there are still those repulsive "no blacks, fats, or fems" in many, many profiles, some people obviously do not see it as an issue. Is singling out something physical or racial that you specifically do not want, ever acceptable? Or do you feel it is best to deal with those things on a one on one basis as they come up?

My own view is that listing specific negatively framed traits (overweight, balding, short) or specific racial identities that you will never consider, is always in bad form, and deopending on the way it is phrased, can often be seen as aggressive, and / or racist.

What do you think on both of these issues? 

Tone warning: Pontificaiting rant ahead.

For those of you who have just joined me this year, what I'm about to post is somewhat of an annual tradition. It's a rather critical take on the culture known as Frot, from the term frottage, as in the rubbing of male genitalia to achive orgasm. Though it's not the act that I object to. It's the mindset of the organization and it's self hating, warped set up that positions any other gay sexual engagement re. anal sex, as akin to a mortal offence.

The underpinings of Frot tell young gay men that 'gay is not okay'. But Frot is! Men with men is! Anything that is not a part of the culture of the "buttfuck dictatorship".  And, conviently, that is Frot and nothing else.  Whatever, I call bullshit.  And have been doing so rather loudly for at least six years.

So you are about to get a treat. Ladies and gentlemen, like all cults and warped set ups similar to them, the Frot movement has its leader too. In the form of one Bill Weintraub. The man who takes a no prisoners attitude on his web site, but has yet to say one peep to my face during the last six years while this and similar articles have been published over, and over, and over again. Come on Bill, humor me. By now you should know this by heart. No? Okay then, one more time if you insist.

*** 

Bill Weintraub has the dubious title of founder of the man2manalliance websites. Home to, among other things, many Southern California irritating teenage isms, meant to relate to the "younger gays": kewl, dude, narly, frotorama!, and of course, Like duh! 

As you can see, Bill is also a sophisticated academic. Though I shouldn't be mean. His websites are a sign, he says, of his commitment to help young gay men find an identity. Although the men he hopes to help are usually all too willing to hear his messages of intolerance, prejudice, hate (and I don't use the term lightly) that are at their core, anti woman, anti gay, and generally negating any sense of history, context, or rational approach.

An example of the frot movements rhetoric, very early in any discussion:

"Hey, come on now, no one is trying to ban anal. We just want to let guys know there are options out there. We are men who love men, and all we are asking is that some attention be paid to non penetrative forms of sex, that's all."

That would be the "attempting to bridge the gap" voice of Bill Weintraub, self appointed leader of the "Frot" movement, as well as self defined HIV prevention expert.

While on the surface his request sounds, in the context provided and by virtue of tone, like a reasonable one; that statement is often used by Bill in his plea that the sexual act of frottage, or "Frot" (taken from said word), an act similar to mutual masturbation, ie. rubbing cocks together to achieve orgasm, be given some recognition in the gay mainstream press. As well, Bill would like to see Frot become the primary act advocated for by the HIV prevention community. As theoretically there exists only a very small, if any, likelihood that HIV can transmit via what frot entails.

But that is not providing the clarity needed to make a decision over the value of frot as something that should be endorsed by a culture attempting to free itself from oppressive practice. Or, as something that warrants the endorsement of a public health community tasked with an ultimate goal of viral containment.

In reality, the only "goal" of the Frot movement is one that wants to, and I quote from Mr.Weintraub, "overthrow the butt fuck dictatorship, and seek a complete cultural change".

I would say that demonstrates a substantial shift in frame of reference. So, avoiding the inconsistent, meandering, and invalid theory base of the philosophy of the movement, we need to, although painful, glance over the underpinnings of frot dogma.

The desire of this group to see an ultimate banishment of anal sex from the gay male sexual arsenal, is one both layered and multifaceted. Having everything to do with the movements (re. Bill's) own perception of what is, and isn't masculine. Masculinity, it would seem, is a trait that is next to Godliness. If one doesn't posses it, or doesn't posses the version that is currently defined by the Frot movement, then that person is "a bitter, empty shell of a human being". Funny how the insecurity inherent in letting public beliefs define an identity for you, is for some reason never addressed. 

Instead, the many reasons that anal sex is occurring, on a cultural level, becomes front and center. The main reasons? Because gay men:

1. hate themselves,
2. want to be women,
3. and if they are at all non traditional in masculine deportment, they are a "shallow, dirty, bitter, empty shell of a human being".

The theory behind these assertions is, interestingly, one that never materializes in print form. But the question remains; how does this translate into having to do with, let alone getting rid of, anal sex?

Let me offer a suggestion.Bill, please pay attention, as this is a solution both simple, and an example of "thinking outside the box":

If you don't want to get fucked....Don't get fucked.

But I digress, since for those who share the following beliefs, what could be simple?

"Passively bending over and taking it like a bitch while you call yourself an asscunt" is cheaply imitating a woman by regarding your anus as a vagina, thus denigrating the role of women as life giver".

"Getting fucked is decidedly unmasculine, more ever is at its core effeminate. Because once again, that by being penetrated you are taking the "fem" role, and the guy fucking you is always the "dom" role, by virtue of being the partner who is insertive".

Anal sex is discussed the following way, with the tone and indictment reserved for the rape and murder of babies:

"Dude!  Like why would you stick your dick in a hole full of smelly poop. HeHeHe!  There is no pleasure in "sex with an anus"! It always hurts like a bitch in heat, and there is always lots of smelly shit on your dick to clean up. Preparation and lube is just more proof that it is not sex because it cannot be spontaneous. It is all in your head and that means that any pleasure is 100% imaginary".

I must commend Bill on finding the most articulate contributors to his website. So I'm guessing "dudes" take home message is that if I enjoy sex via my cerebrum, as well as my body, then that is akin to unicorns, as they are imaginary as well? Oh, but it gets better.

"If you enjoy being penetrated, it is only because the "butt fuck dictatorship"  has told you that to be gay you must enjoy having your man pussy penetrated. They have also told you that you are more like a woman than a man. And this can be proven".

The proof is something that one must search the website for. But it is worth the search. The proof that Bill has for anal sex not giving any pleasure, is this stunning revelation.

"How many guys do you see in the pornos with a hard on while they get fucked?  See, it's not fun"!

I'm so confused. Perhaps Bill or one of his followers could explain to me the theory of why, when one hates "shit sex", one is watching and critiquing "shit sex porn". Really, the level of debate with these people is not dissimilar to "I know you are but what am I".

However the real reason this is not healthy, and is not the best option for gay men, is simply because, anal sex is not sex. It is instead, "sex with an anus". It is not sex, as it is not genital to genital contact. And we all know genital contact being the only marker of "real" sex. No, sex with an anus is fetish. A degrading and humiliating one if a man really values his masculinity. Which, by virtue of bending over and taking it like a bitch, he is lacking.

Frot also states that gay men must have one partner. No more than one, because that is promiscuous. And that is "not healthy for men". No deviation here. If you are part of Frot, the ultimate goal is to find another "cock rub warrior". The kind who values his masculinity and wants an intimate bond with another man.

I suppose though, and it's been stated, that for a married man the rules can be bent. That's because, according to Bill, "most men have sex with men, and more than likely all, are to some extent bisexual". Bill laments this fact on his website, as he can't send direct mailings to the residences of these men, because "virtually all"  the straight men and bisexuals that contact Bill are married.

Now that's masculine Bill! Cheating on your wife. Although you have already demonstrated the role in which you view women. We'll get there soon.

Just so no one thinks I've taken the worst of what Frot has to say, and misrepresented context, all examples are said on the man2manalliance web site, or heroic homo sex  (Frot website).

So please, anyone from the Frot movement, challenge anything that I have said here. Do you really believe what Bill says when he tells you that a condom will only protect you from HIV 25% more than without? Do you believe him when he tells you that the effeminate man who is "a weak, bitchy empty shell of a human being", will be the reason for gay people to never realize full equality? It would seem some of you even believe him when he tells you that if you have anal sex because a man has been "pestering" you consistently, in that case you have been raped.

No, in that case boys, listen up. You have lacked the ability to be decisive, and therefore have failed to articulate what you wanted. That is unfortunate. But that is also not rape. It is not a minor difference.

I find it rather peculiar that Bill Weintraub, with his constructionist takes on "the cult of anal", cannot see how deeply at their core, his beliefs are woman hating. To prove his model of "female and male" sexual dynamics between gay men, as well as framing the insult of heterosexual sex on "mocking of procreation", a concerning belief is obvious. A very concerning one, which by his example, mandates that the ultimate role of a woman, both sexually and inherent in her femininity, is procreative ability.

Bill has forgotten there is a concept called feminism. This dry reminder is for him. Feminism has been present in our culture since the late thirties, early forties, however only came about as a vocal movement in the sixties and early seventies. While the simple goals of equal pay for equal work and reproductive freedom defined the early movement, questions of sexuality, gender definition, gender role, societal construction and a system of patriarchal oppression became central themes. There is, whether Bill likes it or not, many consistent universal truths at the center of gender based, and sexual orientation based, oppression.

I suggest Bill become familiar with them, as his identity as a "gay liberationist" is seriously in doubt by his refusal to acknowledge intersectionality; a key concept of both movements.

Though there is another concept Bill is lacking. The one concept that says if all his loony theories proved to be completely accurate, it would still change nothing. Since we live in a society that mandates human behavior within certain constraints be autonomous and self defining. I would say one of the hallmarks of masculinity, is to accept things that we don't have a right to change. Pouting is not masculine. It is petulant and childish.

In so far as HIV prevention, this is where Bill loses any and all credibility. I should begin by stating my support for the act of Frot, removed from all the third grade theory the movement applies, as a valid and healthy alternative to some higher risk activities. For a man who expresses an interest in such. My goal as a primary health care provider mandates that I remove myself from ones identity with what defines sexual expression for them. Bill may recall that as a pillar from his "activist" days. A pillar that a great amount of the movement of gay liberation was defined on. I guess he has moved on to a higher belief paradigm. I hope it is not the one he demonstrates in this debate.

Although professionally speaking, I can tell Bill, as I have many times, that my telling gay men who enjoy anal sex that, yes it ispossible to avoid HIV, just as long as they "stop pretending to be a woman by bending over and having shit sex, stop sleeping around and have one partner only, and define themselves by all things masculine, because condoms do not work", is an approach that is not going to work.   

Because that "preventive approach" will fail 100% of the time with any gay man who disagrees with those beliefs. Which I am guessing is most gay men. And since we are on the topic; the exact definition off masculine is never defined as more than "straight acting". For a movement that has the term at the core of every belief structure, one would think a contingent definition would be at least helpful to refute the pesky existence of third rate theory.

Although I must say, he has failed to provide example. And in light of the stats I am about to mention, it is clear, from an evidence based perspective, (that being the standard we use in medicine) of the fact that condoms do, in fact work. Denial is the to date response from Bill and the followers, however it only exposes their ignorance and stubbornness.

Ignorance though, is important to Frot, as it depends on the justified ignorance of most people in the general public when it comes to the interpretation of advanced medical statistics. It does nothing for an already lacking credibility, when the movement states that one in five encounters of protected anal sex will result in an HIV seroconversion. For the past five years we have known the chance of seroconversion is estimated at between one in fifty to one in two hundred times per episode of unprotected anal sex with a negative bottom and a positive top. That is a concept I would love to hear Bill Weintraub discuss. But not in the make believe world of what Bill wants to hear, and Bill wants to believe; instead, in the reality the circumstances dictate. Something I have never once heard him do.

So Bill, I ask you; grow up and be a man. And please, take yourself out of my asshole, and every other gay mans asshole who clearly does not welcome you there. Stop banging your head against the wall and complaining that, "because some queen takes it like a bitch", people think you do.

Get it together, and attempt to be the man you state you are. Not a shrieking busy body concerned with what everyone else is doing between the sheets. I'll leave it to your wisdom to define which of my examples is the masculine one. Think hard.

Intro posted by Karen:

Since I have no news on Al's dad, and to lighten things up around here, The Animal Farm Parade is one of my favorites from the archives. It is a post that Al had in the line to re post, so what better time.

This is one of those entries that is so much better hearing in person, though reading it you will no doubt get a good laugh. Comments are from the original posting, please feel free to add new ones.

Karen

The Animal Farm Parade

 
The idea of a parade with all the various elements of the gay community is a rather exhaustive one, if the spirit of true inclusion is to be followed. I tend to believe we put a higher price on our identity within the community than is necessary, but to each his own. 

The following incident is an enduring example of just this type of over reliance on external identity that I refer to. Because taken to its logical conclusion, this just gets nutty. Which is of course why I call this the "gotta get nuts" story.

Mid nineties LA. My friend Steve and I were second year graduate students at UCLA, and it was a Friday night after a long week. We ended up at The Faultline in Silverlake, sleazy bear bar of the moment.

In retrospect, something was bound to occur, as Steve and I were out together. We are two people who